stuff drunk white girls like.

02/06/2009

blatant rip off of stuff white people like. i'm okay with it.
i'm aware that tons of these apply to me, as i'm a frequently drunk white girl. also okay with it.

1. Energy drink and alcohol combinations.
If you go to a club, or to almost any high school party, you are guaranteed to see a large group of girls in multi coloured leggings downing their 4 packs of Rev or Mojo. Many also resort to Red Bull mixes, and Tab, the bright pink energy drink that Coke cancelled awhile back, was so delish with raspberry vodka that there was always at least one per group of gathered drunk chicks. The bottles are adorable and colourful and the caffeine keeps them going long after their one and a half drink cut off stage.

2. Power songs.
As Amy Winehouse proved for us, drunk white girls can sing. They all think they're Wino when the shots are gone, so when the iPod on shuffle finally hits a Spice Girls song or something of the like, expect a group of ladies to scream out in excitement and start dancing and singing to each other. While they may decline karaoke a whole lot, we have no problem belting out every lyric to the latest Britney song while sprawled on someone's kitchen counter. If you're looking to pick up a drunk white chick, turn on Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" and emphasize with her yelling of "THIS IS SO SO TRUE, THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE" between her belting out the chorus.

3. Grinding.
As much as they will bitch that "That guy was all over me" and claim they just want to go and dance the night away with their friends, expect a drunk white girl's night to be completely ruin if no one attempts to grind on them. Any nearby male becomes a complete prop to what they consider exceptional dance moves, and the males usually withhold complaints. You will often see the drunk white girls grinding on each other, a lot more explicitly than they do with the guys, because it is only slutty if you do it with the opposite sex.

4. Kissing other drunk white girls.
The drunk girl principle of it only being slutty if you do it with the opposite sex applies yet again here. It will be only a clear expression of love for their "BEST FRIEND, like BEST in the whole world" and nothing even approaching lesbianism. Expect to hear many jokes involving the lyrics to 'I Kissed A Girl' and then requesting it repeatedly to emphasize how important that moment really was.

5. Being one-woman paparazzi shows.
The morning after for a drunk white girl is almost always a hazy, crazy mess, and the events of the previous night are only brought back into clear light by the absolutely necessary tradition of reviewing the pictures. Drunk white girls will corner you and take a picture with you, although if they are holding it, the aim is usually off, and they will laugh hysterically about it. If you go to a club, expect flashes more frequent than any strobe light.

6. Hating any picture taken of themselves.
After posing with their leg wrapped around the shoulder of their best friend for what is sure in their mind to be the sexiest picture ever, the drunk white girl will reach eagerly for their camera to see the picture and exclaim, with much shock, "Oh my God, I look like a WHORE." At a party, you will be approached to take a picture of a drunk lady and anyone nearby and you will be blamed for how horrid the picture is. "RETAKE" is often yelled more times than can be counted, and trips to the bathroom to fix up their "DISGUSTING face"s are immediately needed.

7. McDonald's.
At the peak of their drunkness or at the end of the night, the white girl may feel the need to balance out the liquor in her system with the greasiest meal she can get her hands on. This always results in them hunting down any nearby designated driver and begging, bribing and coaxing them until they give in and take them out for a double cheeseburger. It will be the best thing they have ever eaten, and they will exclaim this several times, before getting ill or bitching for an hour about how fat it's going to make them. Expect the "I'm actually so fat"/"I'm going to be so fat from all this" comments to start right about two packages of McChicken sauce in.

8. Kicking off their shoes.
No matter how sexy the heels are, or how well they go with their outfit, as soon as a drunk white girl reaches a club, those bitches bring the most excruciating pain they've ever experienced and they need to get off their feet immediately. One of the most common sightings of a drunk white girl takes place on the dancefloor, with a pile of stilettos in the middle of a ring of girls in a similar state. This barefoot idea will often result in them being stepped on by a "BITCH" still in heels and sometimes is the inciting factor in a girl fight.

9. False friendships.
You may be very close to a drunk white girl, or perhaps even be one, so you all know that there are certain girls they do not like, and often speak ill of. This will all change as soon as they have about two or three Vex in them. That one unspeakably awful girl, will suddenly be their very best friend in the world, usually brought on by a compliment such as "I love your belt" or "Hot shoes!" They will then proceed to have a drunken photoshoot, all the pictures will be deemed "so gross", and they will have an intense nine minute bonding sesh, in which the phrases "I thought you hated me!", "No, oh my God, I don't hate anyone!" are guaranteed to be uttered. The friendship will sustain itself only by the occasional Facebook picture comment, or the next drunken reunion.

10. Judging.
Whether it be during an end of the night Facebook creep, or in the midst of a club visit, drunk white girls will find any and every flaw on another drunk white girl that they don't know, and therefore don't like. Some are worse than others, but if there is a girl in a strappy minidress and high heels, prepare for a verbal lashing about the fatness of her thighs or how unsightly her shoes are. Of course, if this is at a party, they will eventually approach the girl with a "LOVE your dress!" or something of the like. An important fact to note about drunk white girls is that we are bitches, all of us.

11. Losing things.
No matter how much you remind a drunk white girl that her phone is tucked into her bra, or that her purse is upstairs in the host's room, there will always be countless panic stricken moments in which she will be convinced she lost one of her most prized possessions forever. "GUYS I seriously can't find my camera, I actually just had it on the table!" The drunk white girl will then begin to accuse people of stealing, no one specific of course, but the whole party will become suspect. Because, as I'm sure you'll all agree, it is much more likely that someone swiped their suitcase-sized purse rather than them just misplacing it. In fact, one of the easiest ways for a sleazy guy to pick up a drunk white chick is to retrieve the lost or "stolen" object for them, which will result in a "OH MY GOD thank you so much, you're actually so nice, you actually just saved my LIFE." You are crossing the line if you steal something just to give it back to her though. Too sleazy. Because..

12. Being easy.
Whether it be the guy who returned their lost phone, the guy who got them McDonald's, the one who danced with them while yelling how beautiful they looked during an Akon song, or the one who held their hair back while they got violently ill, a drunk white girl at her peak of inebriation can often believe that there is only one way to repay a kind man. And those kind men know this. So all drunk white girls have an unspoken code to try and protect each other from sleazy guys, though this often does not pan out as well as hoped