12/25/2008
how do you overcome it
this sick, twisted feeling that lingers in your gut and manipulates itself into a thousand different emotions
i feel it when i'm jealous, when i'm angry, when i'm insecure, when i'm depressed, it's not fair that it can manifest itself into such common feelings
and i know it's a way of showing me these shouldn't be such common feelings, but how do you get past all that
i've had revelation after revelation and it always seems to come back, like this cloud front coming back and hiding the first sunny day in ages
it's that shadow, that feeling that you're standing in front of a very tall building, and instead of enjoying the view, you're calculating how fast you'd have to run and in which direction to escape it if it collapsed
i do that too, i do. i do the same thing every time i go over a bridge.
that shadow, i bet you that's how people feel battling depression, they have their good days and then it's just heartbreaking, feeling that sadness overtake them again. you forget it was ever there until the low point comes again.
and i'm not a weak person, i'm really not that bad, i just hate that no matter how good i'm doing, this little bubble can pop so easily, with not finding clothes that fit nicely or saying something stupid in front of people.
this feeling that, even though i know i'm accepted and loved by people, i'm still walking on a tightrope, terrified to fuck up around them or what i have with them.
it's this crippling self doubt, this numbing feeling that i'm never going to be good enough for the people i love the most. and i love them so much.
i'm mindnumbingly in love, and so scared that i might not be enough. it's a ridiculous feeling.
so, internet world, this is how i feel, on christmas of all days. if you ever had the suspicion that i was some secret manic depressive, posting this on christmas certainly couldn't help you think otherwise.
maybe it's the fact that christmas seems lame, because i'm not a kid anymore.
maybe it's the fact that i'm not a kid anymore.
but i think, it's just being afraid.
i read a beautiful fitzgerald short story today, many in fact. but in one, the girl said that she was not afraid. that fear was either for the very bravest, or for the cowards, and that she was neither.
f scott fitzgerald has changed my life many times, and i suspect before my book of his short stories is finished, i will have more to add.
and maybe all it will take will be another beautiful quote from mr. fitzgerald to get past this stupid self doubt that i'm sure doesn't just follow me around.
this is why i wrote this, because allowing negative emotions like fear and depression control you is just giving them more power to destroy you, and all the beautiful things you contain, and i don't think it would be cocky of me to say i still have plenty of beautiful things somewhere in me.
i hope to share them with all the people i fear i'm not good enough for.
i love you. merry christmas.
“Think how you love me. I don’t ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside me there’ll always be the person I am tonight.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is The Night
Interestingly enough, this character was a beautiful, lovetorn woman with a ridiculous mental disorder. Goodness.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
clapton is miracle music
11/18/2008
i was reading my book of rolling stone interviews. and i was reading it in the hottest possible bath as i played stars very very loudly downstairs. it felt like the stars were in my basement, it was ideal.anyways.
i was reading the eric clapton interview and at the end, when asked why so many artists turn to drugs and destructive behaviour, he said that he thought all creative people go through these tremendous mood swings, and instead of indulging and using that to create something beautiful, they just try to numb and end the feeling with drugs and alcohol. they don't want to dig deep into themselves and figure out why they're feeling the way they are, because there is always some pain involved in really interpreting that feeling. but really, all those awful feelings are just an amazing opportunity for them to create something out of themselves.
i went downstairs and put on eric clapton unplugged after that. his insight is blowing me away. i am going to go and blow some money on kings of leon and arcade fire cds, scrubs season seven and the last of my christmas presents.
when i feel something that i can recognize as not being healthy, like jealousy or fear, i'm not going to try and distract myself, or take it out on someone else. i will use it as a creative outlet. even if it hurts, because mr. clapton fucking said so. i'm not crazy, i'm creative, clapton backs me up.
i am going to go to fuckin london with ashley ward and that will only be the start of my worldly adventures.
i am going to start making more decisions for myself. for instance, i know people are going to be like "cool fucking blog anna, we really care." i don't care if you don't care. i have been far too self conscious for far too long.
i am going to feel things completely, without trying to set out boundaries as to how much i can feel because it might be safer that way or some bullshit like that. i'm very much in love, i'm not going to hold myself back because of any sort of fear. i'm in love, that's not something you should try to calm down or hold yourself back from. especially when it's someone like the one i have.
now go listen to some clapton and love every second of it.
i was reading my book of rolling stone interviews. and i was reading it in the hottest possible bath as i played stars very very loudly downstairs. it felt like the stars were in my basement, it was ideal.anyways.
i was reading the eric clapton interview and at the end, when asked why so many artists turn to drugs and destructive behaviour, he said that he thought all creative people go through these tremendous mood swings, and instead of indulging and using that to create something beautiful, they just try to numb and end the feeling with drugs and alcohol. they don't want to dig deep into themselves and figure out why they're feeling the way they are, because there is always some pain involved in really interpreting that feeling. but really, all those awful feelings are just an amazing opportunity for them to create something out of themselves.
i went downstairs and put on eric clapton unplugged after that. his insight is blowing me away. i am going to go and blow some money on kings of leon and arcade fire cds, scrubs season seven and the last of my christmas presents.
when i feel something that i can recognize as not being healthy, like jealousy or fear, i'm not going to try and distract myself, or take it out on someone else. i will use it as a creative outlet. even if it hurts, because mr. clapton fucking said so. i'm not crazy, i'm creative, clapton backs me up.
i am going to go to fuckin london with ashley ward and that will only be the start of my worldly adventures.
i am going to start making more decisions for myself. for instance, i know people are going to be like "cool fucking blog anna, we really care." i don't care if you don't care. i have been far too self conscious for far too long.
i am going to feel things completely, without trying to set out boundaries as to how much i can feel because it might be safer that way or some bullshit like that. i'm very much in love, i'm not going to hold myself back because of any sort of fear. i'm in love, that's not something you should try to calm down or hold yourself back from. especially when it's someone like the one i have.
now go listen to some clapton and love every second of it.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Snow
12/24/2007
the blankest of faces stood out in a crowd
snow was dusting the darkest of hair
pale skin tinted pink with winter wind
and chapped lips breaking into laughter
at the sight of his jacket stepping forward
he would've looked better in wool
but the blankest of faces explodes
lighting up like the surrounding store fronts
half a year and from where they were
not a complete contrast in environment
because there was brightness all around
and enough warmth between them both
she did not embrace him cinematically
though she wanted at least to be picked up
they rushed forward, and halted,
lips meeting first before anything else had a chance
his chin brushed her scarf as he pulled away
all he saw was teeth and still she laughed
he touched a hand to her reddening cheeks
her lips hadn't felt chapped at all
carelessly wrapping her arms around his neck
she whispers she missed him and laughed
he pulls her forward with her hips gently
and brushed snow from off of her head
their hearts beat fast with new expectations
feeling so quick in this dead still scene
the town is quiet, the lights are subdued
now that they've met, there's no competition
she laughed again, glee escaping, hugging harder
he conceded, her body felt small up against him
they stayed like this, until the streets were empty
the wind whistled softly through their hair
they kissed one more time and he said to go in
the blanketing snow would cover them soon
she kicked snow near him and ran to the door
and he smiled, despite himself, like it was his first.
the blankest of faces stood out in a crowd
snow was dusting the darkest of hair
pale skin tinted pink with winter wind
and chapped lips breaking into laughter
at the sight of his jacket stepping forward
he would've looked better in wool
but the blankest of faces explodes
lighting up like the surrounding store fronts
half a year and from where they were
not a complete contrast in environment
because there was brightness all around
and enough warmth between them both
she did not embrace him cinematically
though she wanted at least to be picked up
they rushed forward, and halted,
lips meeting first before anything else had a chance
his chin brushed her scarf as he pulled away
all he saw was teeth and still she laughed
he touched a hand to her reddening cheeks
her lips hadn't felt chapped at all
carelessly wrapping her arms around his neck
she whispers she missed him and laughed
he pulls her forward with her hips gently
and brushed snow from off of her head
their hearts beat fast with new expectations
feeling so quick in this dead still scene
the town is quiet, the lights are subdued
now that they've met, there's no competition
she laughed again, glee escaping, hugging harder
he conceded, her body felt small up against him
they stayed like this, until the streets were empty
the wind whistled softly through their hair
they kissed one more time and he said to go in
the blanketing snow would cover them soon
she kicked snow near him and ran to the door
and he smiled, despite himself, like it was his first.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
the less fond.
12/15/2008
there are lyrics i don't recognize
scribbled on napkins that once were mine
dirty with food i once loved
beside a cd i'm now embarrassed of
a shirt that always fit too small
with a slogan so immature
a picture with a very old friend
it's been years since we spoke
a list of goals that had to be reached
and i've no desire to do most of them
they're all so far from who i am
i'm confused with who i was then
habits that would have killed me by now
hungering just to be accepted
okay with being used to my limit
by friends who would have killed me by now
a shattering lack of self esteem
scars and pants that fit too tight
using anyone's slimy touch
to compensate for what i didn't feel.
it's disgusting and i'm ashamed
it's a hard piece of history to move past
there's only one person i've told everything
and it's still so frightening to me
that someone can know all these things
and to be laying there so vulnerable
yet still love me and still let it all go
before i've even let it all go
so everytime he wraps his arms around me
and he's telling me stories, making me laugh
that's when i'm okay with all of myself
and most proud of what is here now
there are lyrics i don't recognize
scribbled on napkins that once were mine
dirty with food i once loved
beside a cd i'm now embarrassed of
a shirt that always fit too small
with a slogan so immature
a picture with a very old friend
it's been years since we spoke
a list of goals that had to be reached
and i've no desire to do most of them
they're all so far from who i am
i'm confused with who i was then
habits that would have killed me by now
hungering just to be accepted
okay with being used to my limit
by friends who would have killed me by now
a shattering lack of self esteem
scars and pants that fit too tight
using anyone's slimy touch
to compensate for what i didn't feel.
it's disgusting and i'm ashamed
it's a hard piece of history to move past
there's only one person i've told everything
and it's still so frightening to me
that someone can know all these things
and to be laying there so vulnerable
yet still love me and still let it all go
before i've even let it all go
so everytime he wraps his arms around me
and he's telling me stories, making me laugh
that's when i'm okay with all of myself
and most proud of what is here now
Friday, December 12, 2008
Get a job
12/12/08
I'm not a needy person
Though I do love being needed
And I do need people
And every aspect of their attention
But only in little bits
I can grow tired of adoration
I don't think it's that I'm insecure
Maybe I'm just indulgent
Maybe I feel people should all
Just want to be around me
And why dig deeper than that
Test the waters of my self doubt?
If there was ever a time
That I, in all my omnipotence,
Could not walk upon water
I suppose this would be it.
Maybe it's good to be lonely
I develop my quirkier side
If I was ever in isolation
Imagine the quirks I'd find
And now I'm writing like Dr. Seuss
Oh, the places I'll fucking go
If I continue on this path
Of pointless thought and free verse
They shouldn't leave pens
Lying around while I'm working
I'll scribble vicariously
As customers decompose.
I think I'm profound but
I'm really just fucking babbling
Psychoanalyzing all I do
Watching a slow self destruction.
It's sad that I can see this happening
And that instead of halting it
I surround myself with anyone
And write lyrics on whatever's near.
I'm not a needy person
Though I do love being needed
And I do need people
And every aspect of their attention
But only in little bits
I can grow tired of adoration
I don't think it's that I'm insecure
Maybe I'm just indulgent
Maybe I feel people should all
Just want to be around me
And why dig deeper than that
Test the waters of my self doubt?
If there was ever a time
That I, in all my omnipotence,
Could not walk upon water
I suppose this would be it.
Maybe it's good to be lonely
I develop my quirkier side
If I was ever in isolation
Imagine the quirks I'd find
And now I'm writing like Dr. Seuss
Oh, the places I'll fucking go
If I continue on this path
Of pointless thought and free verse
They shouldn't leave pens
Lying around while I'm working
I'll scribble vicariously
As customers decompose.
I think I'm profound but
I'm really just fucking babbling
Psychoanalyzing all I do
Watching a slow self destruction.
It's sad that I can see this happening
And that instead of halting it
I surround myself with anyone
And write lyrics on whatever's near.
Monday, December 8, 2008
simple theme
12/08/2008
I was black and you were white
That was how we were dressed
The costumes never quite ring true
With a theme so simple
It was your party, at your friend's
I had never seen either of you
I came with my oldest friend
She was unrecognizable by night's end
As soon as the drinks started
I was friends with anyone near
From only knowing who I arrived with
To being the center of attention
Intoxicated just for the night
Gluing feathers to costumed angels
Intoxicated for the rest of your life
The night that I first met you
And I was never the prettiest girl
But you came to me first
Did I look easiest, or easiest to approach
You talked like I was the only one
Then people were whispering
As you led me around the house
The door had plastic gold gates
And the basement had paper flames
Someone spilt liquor in the radiator
We were breathing it in all night
My friend slept on the couch
As you whispered to me
Red wine spilt on your white pants
As I played my favourite songs
You pulled me closer the whole time
You spoke excitedly in my ear
Every time I said something you liked
You exploded, calling me your future wife
I just laughed and knew I was awful
Soaked up your attention and your wine
I could have flirted a little less
I thought I was being innocent
But my black costume could've predicted
Everything going wrong.
You pressed your face to mine
And I shoved you away, not hard enough
You were gorgeous as I walked away
The memory growing hazy even then
The rest was all lights, and slamming doors
Police arriving, people fighting
Police arresting, people fighting
An overdrunk man being carried out
A ride home lost in the back of the cop car
A long distance call in the back of our cab
Should've known then, in my imminent sickness
That we wouldn't be friends for long
Sometimes I wonder how you're doing
If I'm still as amazing as I was that night
Would you have been impressed
If I just sat there and let you kiss me
Sometimes I know you're still reaching out
And I say nothing, you know that I can't
I said enough in that one night
And he'd kill me if he knew you were trying
So go find another girl, won't be hard
With a face as nice as yours
It was nice to feel beautiful in your eyes
But it kills me to know you're still trying
That girl that night has been smothered
In gestures lost on someone unworthy
Though it's nice to know I was on your mind
It still kills me, I'm not worth you trying.
I was black and you were white
That was how we were dressed
The costumes never quite ring true
With a theme so simple
It was your party, at your friend's
I had never seen either of you
I came with my oldest friend
She was unrecognizable by night's end
As soon as the drinks started
I was friends with anyone near
From only knowing who I arrived with
To being the center of attention
Intoxicated just for the night
Gluing feathers to costumed angels
Intoxicated for the rest of your life
The night that I first met you
And I was never the prettiest girl
But you came to me first
Did I look easiest, or easiest to approach
You talked like I was the only one
Then people were whispering
As you led me around the house
The door had plastic gold gates
And the basement had paper flames
Someone spilt liquor in the radiator
We were breathing it in all night
My friend slept on the couch
As you whispered to me
Red wine spilt on your white pants
As I played my favourite songs
You pulled me closer the whole time
You spoke excitedly in my ear
Every time I said something you liked
You exploded, calling me your future wife
I just laughed and knew I was awful
Soaked up your attention and your wine
I could have flirted a little less
I thought I was being innocent
But my black costume could've predicted
Everything going wrong.
You pressed your face to mine
And I shoved you away, not hard enough
You were gorgeous as I walked away
The memory growing hazy even then
The rest was all lights, and slamming doors
Police arriving, people fighting
Police arresting, people fighting
An overdrunk man being carried out
A ride home lost in the back of the cop car
A long distance call in the back of our cab
Should've known then, in my imminent sickness
That we wouldn't be friends for long
Sometimes I wonder how you're doing
If I'm still as amazing as I was that night
Would you have been impressed
If I just sat there and let you kiss me
Sometimes I know you're still reaching out
And I say nothing, you know that I can't
I said enough in that one night
And he'd kill me if he knew you were trying
So go find another girl, won't be hard
With a face as nice as yours
It was nice to feel beautiful in your eyes
But it kills me to know you're still trying
That girl that night has been smothered
In gestures lost on someone unworthy
Though it's nice to know I was on your mind
It still kills me, I'm not worth you trying.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
the challenge.
12/07/08
(re-edited 12/08/08)
i'm empty
not like the top half of an hourglass
but like your stomach
the morning after
with nothing left in it but acid
rotten, destructive, painful acid
my veins are full of everything
that could never make me better
and i'm empty on the outside
from the very depths
of where you once hid
in my chest, between my lungs
and i won't say heart, or soul, because
those fucking overused words
they're poison and i don't need any more
there's no rhyme and no reason
to the way that you act
it's like a trust game with blindfolds
and one of us leads and the other
well, we follow, follow,
blindly follow.
i don't know where you've led me
and i don't know why i continued to go
but it's clear now we're lost
and i'm begging you, please
let me take the blindfold off.
if i fall to my knees and let you
grab me and shake me
hold me upside down by my feet
my feet that are callused and rough
they hurt me so badly this whole time
following your voice
trusting your guide
would you take me and turn me inside out
and if you rip me to pieces
and nothing comes out
it's because i am empty
i'm empty.
Friday, December 5, 2008
No Need.
12/05/2008
maybe i'm just hard to please
in situations such as these
maybe i ask for far too much
and i'm unsatisfied as such
if i got my wish and had you more
it wouldn't be all good in store
perhaps i would discover if we tried
there's more than one reason i'm not satisfied
you are here, but not for long
am i happier once you're gone
because while you are here with me
it's a countdown to when you leave
maybe i should just be happy
with the little effort you give to me
so why become insatiable
my heart is very breakable.
maybe i'm just hard to please
in situations such as these
maybe i ask for far too much
and i'm unsatisfied as such
if i got my wish and had you more
it wouldn't be all good in store
perhaps i would discover if we tried
there's more than one reason i'm not satisfied
you are here, but not for long
am i happier once you're gone
because while you are here with me
it's a countdown to when you leave
maybe i should just be happy
with the little effort you give to me
so why become insatiable
my heart is very breakable.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Femme Fatale
12/01/2008
it's unfamiliar
your movements look similar
to one that i might've known before
you're thinking hard
distracted by cards,
you'd tell me if i mattered, i'm sure.
my heart drops,
my pulse starts and stops,
beats loud like from the poe story.
my smile fades,
could you please close the shades,
my thoughts range from romantic to gory.
am i worth much,
could you please act as such,
your thoughts are just puppets on strings.
my dearest regards,
as you fold all your cards,
if only you had power to change things.
a femme fatale,
what i want, you shall,
and you can just deal with it.
i've had enough,
up and called your bluff,
and i'll raise you to not take this shit.
i may never know,
what you choose to show,
but from here, i can see your whole hand.
i'm not impressed,
your motive's undressed,
and your commodity is not in demand.
take a step back,
from the brink of the black,
from this self fulfilling prophetic nightmare.
look up from the table,
that's if you are able
to look over and meet my stare.
do i matter now,
does it matter anyhow,
i can claim the winnings as mine.
perhaps i'll share,
just prove you care,
i'm generous if only you're kind.
don't embarrass yourself,
or anyone else,
just admit that i'm worth three times more
than all of the winnings,
this is the beginning,
show your hand, i'll show what's in store.
it's unfamiliar
your movements look similar
to one that i might've known before
you're thinking hard
distracted by cards,
you'd tell me if i mattered, i'm sure.
my heart drops,
my pulse starts and stops,
beats loud like from the poe story.
my smile fades,
could you please close the shades,
my thoughts range from romantic to gory.
am i worth much,
could you please act as such,
your thoughts are just puppets on strings.
my dearest regards,
as you fold all your cards,
if only you had power to change things.
a femme fatale,
what i want, you shall,
and you can just deal with it.
i've had enough,
up and called your bluff,
and i'll raise you to not take this shit.
i may never know,
what you choose to show,
but from here, i can see your whole hand.
i'm not impressed,
your motive's undressed,
and your commodity is not in demand.
take a step back,
from the brink of the black,
from this self fulfilling prophetic nightmare.
look up from the table,
that's if you are able
to look over and meet my stare.
do i matter now,
does it matter anyhow,
i can claim the winnings as mine.
perhaps i'll share,
just prove you care,
i'm generous if only you're kind.
don't embarrass yourself,
or anyone else,
just admit that i'm worth three times more
than all of the winnings,
this is the beginning,
show your hand, i'll show what's in store.
Testify
10/22/2008
Fair skin, red lips
Black dress and fingertips
Eyes red, pure denial
Averting gaze as though on trial
Bite on your cheek
To keep from crying
Tell him it's fine
You're testifying
She's in a nice dress
Looking her best
And she feels ugly as sin
He's looking away
Just like everyday
She's been getting so thin
"You look worried"
Her reply is hurried
As she fixes her hair
It's not like he'll see
Like he'll look at me
But she tries, unfailing, unfair.
Tough times, tough call
He wants to leave, she wants to stall
Say she moves you still
She's trying so hard, she has the will
Invisible to your naked eye
She's waiting, trying not to cry
She's beautiful, it's a fact
So look at her and fucking react
What has he asked
What complex task
That she hasn't done so well?
There's not a one
Under the sun
She's done it all, gone through hell.
Her smile lasts
Through all that's passed
Wake up and hang on tight
Just hold her close
She won't oppose
She'll be there to make it all right
Hang on, calm her fears
When she whispers, promise you'll hear
Brush her hair into place
Hold on softly to her face
Take the time, realize
All the colours in her eyes
Tell her you love her, tell her why
She shouldn't have to testify.
Fair skin, red lips
Black dress and fingertips
Eyes red, pure denial
Averting gaze as though on trial
Bite on your cheek
To keep from crying
Tell him it's fine
You're testifying
She's in a nice dress
Looking her best
And she feels ugly as sin
He's looking away
Just like everyday
She's been getting so thin
"You look worried"
Her reply is hurried
As she fixes her hair
It's not like he'll see
Like he'll look at me
But she tries, unfailing, unfair.
Tough times, tough call
He wants to leave, she wants to stall
Say she moves you still
She's trying so hard, she has the will
Invisible to your naked eye
She's waiting, trying not to cry
She's beautiful, it's a fact
So look at her and fucking react
What has he asked
What complex task
That she hasn't done so well?
There's not a one
Under the sun
She's done it all, gone through hell.
Her smile lasts
Through all that's passed
Wake up and hang on tight
Just hold her close
She won't oppose
She'll be there to make it all right
Hang on, calm her fears
When she whispers, promise you'll hear
Brush her hair into place
Hold on softly to her face
Take the time, realize
All the colours in her eyes
Tell her you love her, tell her why
She shouldn't have to testify.
When They're Your World
11/05/2008
Take to me
Like the waves to the sea
Crash into me to soon become one
The grass in the wind
The blades gently give in
They'd cover us if we laid down
Giving in to the feeling
This natural revealing
As we sink into each other like sand
The clouds float softly
We breathe so gently
Brush my hair back strand by strand
The warmth, the comfort
I know I can't get hurt
By just being and being with you
The trees fill with leaves
As I tug at your sleeves
Promise you will take me too
Let's leave these streets
To where we can meet
Every aspect of one another
Let's sit by seaside
Lay still but don't hide
Be in love with this scene and each other
I discovered deep within
That I'd lay on your skin
And be warm and safe there forever
It's like being in sand
When you grip my hand
I'm sinking, but we'll stay together
You're soothing like rain
While you remove my pain
Remind me why you keep me here
The water's not cold
Your actions, not bold
Float towards me, I'm calm when you're near
Just promise how you feel
We'll kiss and it's sealed
I know you're not one to stray
We're in love, you and me,
And like waves in the sea,
You will never go away.
Take to me
Like the waves to the sea
Crash into me to soon become one
The grass in the wind
The blades gently give in
They'd cover us if we laid down
Giving in to the feeling
This natural revealing
As we sink into each other like sand
The clouds float softly
We breathe so gently
Brush my hair back strand by strand
The warmth, the comfort
I know I can't get hurt
By just being and being with you
The trees fill with leaves
As I tug at your sleeves
Promise you will take me too
Let's leave these streets
To where we can meet
Every aspect of one another
Let's sit by seaside
Lay still but don't hide
Be in love with this scene and each other
I discovered deep within
That I'd lay on your skin
And be warm and safe there forever
It's like being in sand
When you grip my hand
I'm sinking, but we'll stay together
You're soothing like rain
While you remove my pain
Remind me why you keep me here
The water's not cold
Your actions, not bold
Float towards me, I'm calm when you're near
Just promise how you feel
We'll kiss and it's sealed
I know you're not one to stray
We're in love, you and me,
And like waves in the sea,
You will never go away.
Inside Out
11/03/2008
i love you, turn me inside out
and pick me off the floor
i may sprawl all about
but there's things to look for
look at my eyes, look deep into
see if they're holding back
are they looking straight at you
or do they seem to lose track
am i scared of what you see
what's really under it all
every tiny facet of me
this wasn't a graceful fall
iron fists once held so strong
and now have turned to rust
vulnerable, scared to do wrong
moveable as dust.
look deeper inside my eyes
feel my ice cold skin
can you see how hard i try
just digging deep within
you should know my biggest goal
is to make you so happy
if you look into my soul
you'll know that's all i want to be
your dream girl, the perfect one
the one you'll never let go
this is all i want to get done
even if it doesn't seem so
although sometimes you can't tell
my skins only cold till you're here
and i'd go through any hell
to know you want me near.
my every effort, all i do,
nearly everything i'm about,
you'll find every bit of it's for you,
when you turn me inside out.
i love you, turn me inside out
and pick me off the floor
i may sprawl all about
but there's things to look for
look at my eyes, look deep into
see if they're holding back
are they looking straight at you
or do they seem to lose track
am i scared of what you see
what's really under it all
every tiny facet of me
this wasn't a graceful fall
iron fists once held so strong
and now have turned to rust
vulnerable, scared to do wrong
moveable as dust.
look deeper inside my eyes
feel my ice cold skin
can you see how hard i try
just digging deep within
you should know my biggest goal
is to make you so happy
if you look into my soul
you'll know that's all i want to be
your dream girl, the perfect one
the one you'll never let go
this is all i want to get done
even if it doesn't seem so
although sometimes you can't tell
my skins only cold till you're here
and i'd go through any hell
to know you want me near.
my every effort, all i do,
nearly everything i'm about,
you'll find every bit of it's for you,
when you turn me inside out.
Melting Pot of Greys
10/23/2008
i'm a melting pot of greys
a mosaic of dark and dull
a mundane part of your day
the quiet, unnoticed lull
the clouds that loom in the sky
when rain isn't far away
they're the colour i can feel
the dark, the dull, the grey
it's not a soft silver, like a ring
it couldn't be thought of as nice
it's a sad and dark feeling
and i'd pay any price
not the boldness of a black
or the innocence of white
mixing indecisive, lack
of pure darkness or light
not the silver lining no
it's not positive thought
thinking and finding so
has managed to get you caught
even the greatest artist alive
would fail with this palette
a decision can't just thrive
on such an unmarked ballot
search deeper into myself
try to find an escape
search hard, clear every shelf
i have to take a shape
find the basics just at first
the white that was my smile
i won't give up, i can't be cursed
i'll search for a long long while
the black, green and brown i find
they'll bring my eyes back to life
they light expressions from my mind
and memories of strife
the red that once filled my cheeks
will find it's way back again
the grey is fading, it's not so bleak
so i'll just keep searching then
the yellow tint to my face
the peach and rose colours return
let it out from a hidden place
there's more to feel, i yearn
the blue that hit my lips sometimes
when i'm the coldest i can be
being blank was such a crime
there's so much now to see
i feel every colour within
feel the dark and dull fade away
i can be a masterpiece of skin
i'm rid of all the grey.
i'm a melting pot of greys
a mosaic of dark and dull
a mundane part of your day
the quiet, unnoticed lull
the clouds that loom in the sky
when rain isn't far away
they're the colour i can feel
the dark, the dull, the grey
it's not a soft silver, like a ring
it couldn't be thought of as nice
it's a sad and dark feeling
and i'd pay any price
not the boldness of a black
or the innocence of white
mixing indecisive, lack
of pure darkness or light
not the silver lining no
it's not positive thought
thinking and finding so
has managed to get you caught
even the greatest artist alive
would fail with this palette
a decision can't just thrive
on such an unmarked ballot
search deeper into myself
try to find an escape
search hard, clear every shelf
i have to take a shape
find the basics just at first
the white that was my smile
i won't give up, i can't be cursed
i'll search for a long long while
the black, green and brown i find
they'll bring my eyes back to life
they light expressions from my mind
and memories of strife
the red that once filled my cheeks
will find it's way back again
the grey is fading, it's not so bleak
so i'll just keep searching then
the yellow tint to my face
the peach and rose colours return
let it out from a hidden place
there's more to feel, i yearn
the blue that hit my lips sometimes
when i'm the coldest i can be
being blank was such a crime
there's so much now to see
i feel every colour within
feel the dark and dull fade away
i can be a masterpiece of skin
i'm rid of all the grey.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Fall
turn the heat up in your room till you grow dizzy
let out a cry, it was once warm outside
the sunsets changed colours faster than leaves
fall on your bed, pretend that you chose to
pretend you can still control your actions
keep rolling over until you hit the floor
there's no where for you to land anymore
the coat you bought it looks so pretty
but it doesn't keep you warm
it's getting awfully cold out
dear, shouldn't you be warm
the boots you wear are frayed in the toes
so time comes and so time goes
you can fray like your favourite boots
but even you can't keep you warm anymore
reds and oranges always stand for strength
and boldness, except for now, in nature
it is weakness now, the decomposition
of what was once beautiful, full and green
so time comes and so time goes
so layers wear thin and the true you shows
so this is the most depressing season of all
how apt that they should name it fall.
Hold On
10/22/2008
there's so much ahead we won't understand
i just don't want this world to tear you apart
i'll hold on tightly to your hand
you hold on tightly to my heart
the world moves too fast so let's slow down
the only one i have to keep up with is you
i'll be okay forever as long as you're around
there's nothing you can ask that i won't do
it's getting colder as these months go by
we get closer because we need to stay warm
to keep this fire burning i'll give anything a try
i'll always have you to get me through a storm
i keep count of every day we get through
there's a celebration in every second we're together
i can always find a reason to be happy with you
even if outside it's the worst of weather
it's easy to be patient with an outcome so great
i'd wait for years to feel your kiss
this feeling is far too impossible to state
but i'd trade anything to keep feeling like this
what i look forward to remains the same
even if i won't get to it for a very long while
just hearing your voice whisper my name
you're the reason why for no reason i smile
there's so much ahead we won't understand
i just don't want this world to tear you apart
i'll hold on tightly to your hand
you hold on tightly to my heart
the world moves too fast so let's slow down
the only one i have to keep up with is you
i'll be okay forever as long as you're around
there's nothing you can ask that i won't do
it's getting colder as these months go by
we get closer because we need to stay warm
to keep this fire burning i'll give anything a try
i'll always have you to get me through a storm
i keep count of every day we get through
there's a celebration in every second we're together
i can always find a reason to be happy with you
even if outside it's the worst of weather
it's easy to be patient with an outcome so great
i'd wait for years to feel your kiss
this feeling is far too impossible to state
but i'd trade anything to keep feeling like this
what i look forward to remains the same
even if i won't get to it for a very long while
just hearing your voice whisper my name
you're the reason why for no reason i smile
In Perfect Time
10/14/2008
Inhale, exhale,
In perfect time.
Your heartbeat's close,
Right up next to mine.
Arms cradle softly,
But they won't let me go.
Chests rise and fall together,
Time moves so slow.
You softly say the things
That I live to hear.
I feel your breath warm,
Softly in my ear.
Whisper words quiet,
As we drift in and out.
Your voice is beautiful,
I couldn't do without.
I can feel your heart,
It beats into my back.
I can hear your breathing,
Keeping me on track.
We breathe so perfectly,
That I think without you,
My lungs, like the rest of me,
Would not know what to do.
Everything that scares me,
It all just melts away.
Melts in the warmth you give,
And it's here I'll stay.
Pressed so close against you,
It's everything to me.
It's everything I've needed,
Fitting together perfectly.
We're quiet in the loudest way,
More expressive than you know.
The nothing we are saying,
It's everything we could show.
I can feel you smiling
Into my shoulder blade.
If I could choose forever,
You'll find it's here I stayed.
Wrapped up in each other,
Bodies interwined,
Promise you'll stay with me,
In perfect time.
Inhale, exhale,
In perfect time.
Your heartbeat's close,
Right up next to mine.
Arms cradle softly,
But they won't let me go.
Chests rise and fall together,
Time moves so slow.
You softly say the things
That I live to hear.
I feel your breath warm,
Softly in my ear.
Whisper words quiet,
As we drift in and out.
Your voice is beautiful,
I couldn't do without.
I can feel your heart,
It beats into my back.
I can hear your breathing,
Keeping me on track.
We breathe so perfectly,
That I think without you,
My lungs, like the rest of me,
Would not know what to do.
Everything that scares me,
It all just melts away.
Melts in the warmth you give,
And it's here I'll stay.
Pressed so close against you,
It's everything to me.
It's everything I've needed,
Fitting together perfectly.
We're quiet in the loudest way,
More expressive than you know.
The nothing we are saying,
It's everything we could show.
I can feel you smiling
Into my shoulder blade.
If I could choose forever,
You'll find it's here I stayed.
Wrapped up in each other,
Bodies interwined,
Promise you'll stay with me,
In perfect time.
That Place Where I Go
10/08/2008
That place where I go
When you smile at me
Let's build a summer
Home there.
It's warm and it's free
We won't have to worry
It has everything
We could hope for.
The days melt easily
Into nights so that we
Can just lay together
And watch.
Your arms around me
This is where I'll be
The place where I go
When you smile at me.
The sunsets serene,
Colours we've never seen
Let's paint all our rooms
Those colours.
The golds and the greens
The blues, tangerines,
Soft yellow fading
On our windows.
We'll lay on the ground
Not making a sound
Watching light wash over
Our intertwined bodies.
Laying there, so softly,
This is where I'll be
The place where I go
When you smile at me.
It's not far from town
But there's no one around
Close enough to ever
Disturb us.
We live right by the shore,
We keep finding more
Reasons for loving
Each other.
We'll lay on the sand,
Won't ask or demand,
How lucky we are
To have found this.
But as quiet as I can be,
I'll ask myself quietly,
What I did to deserve
To end up here.
And you'll kiss me where we lie,
Hand in hand, side by side,
Walk back to the home
We have made.
Your smile, I'll see,
I'll stay here, here I'll be,
This place where I go,
When you smile at me.
That place where I go
When you smile at me
Let's build a summer
Home there.
It's warm and it's free
We won't have to worry
It has everything
We could hope for.
The days melt easily
Into nights so that we
Can just lay together
And watch.
Your arms around me
This is where I'll be
The place where I go
When you smile at me.
The sunsets serene,
Colours we've never seen
Let's paint all our rooms
Those colours.
The golds and the greens
The blues, tangerines,
Soft yellow fading
On our windows.
We'll lay on the ground
Not making a sound
Watching light wash over
Our intertwined bodies.
Laying there, so softly,
This is where I'll be
The place where I go
When you smile at me.
It's not far from town
But there's no one around
Close enough to ever
Disturb us.
We live right by the shore,
We keep finding more
Reasons for loving
Each other.
We'll lay on the sand,
Won't ask or demand,
How lucky we are
To have found this.
But as quiet as I can be,
I'll ask myself quietly,
What I did to deserve
To end up here.
And you'll kiss me where we lie,
Hand in hand, side by side,
Walk back to the home
We have made.
Your smile, I'll see,
I'll stay here, here I'll be,
This place where I go,
When you smile at me.
Trojan Horse
09/21/2008
spears fly about and pierce your friends
the foes keep throwing, you can't see an end
an arrow shoots nearby, on it, a note tied
written by your lover from the other side
your general screams for you to stand by
but you're gone, you've made your choice to fly
and you're nearly out but the gates close tight
there's no way to see your lover tonight
strategy talks go down by the fire
you stare at the stars, think of your desire
the fallen, the wounded, they're not that far
you could be one of them within another star
danger makes you drunk, but you're living on fear
you swear you can almost hear them near
you'll forgo your armour for a chance to sneak past
to see your lover once more, to make this last
you watch the stars shining in the night sky
you know your lover can see one shoot by
sleep hits you fast, ambushed at last hour
you wake up, cold, without love, feeling sour
the gates open slowly, so you leap to your feet
soldiers stare calmly, the sight is so sweet
it's a gorgeous display of surrender and new
victory embodied in a giant statue
the war is over now, you're so positive
your lover will come to you, you both can live
there will be no divisions, you have won this time
and you'll see your lover with no enemy line
you drink with your closest friends, celebrate
there's nothing to fear, no ambushes to await
you sing and you dance and you wait to hear
from your lover, whom you're sure is oh so near
you fall asleep suddenly, awake with a start
there's ruins around you, you can't feel your heart
friends are gone, and the war's far from won
you look at the statue, you see what you've done.
it's a battle field filled with hate and force
and your lover's at the gates, a trojan horse
you've no way of knowing what's in store
fallen in love in the trojan war.
spears fly about and pierce your friends
the foes keep throwing, you can't see an end
an arrow shoots nearby, on it, a note tied
written by your lover from the other side
your general screams for you to stand by
but you're gone, you've made your choice to fly
and you're nearly out but the gates close tight
there's no way to see your lover tonight
strategy talks go down by the fire
you stare at the stars, think of your desire
the fallen, the wounded, they're not that far
you could be one of them within another star
danger makes you drunk, but you're living on fear
you swear you can almost hear them near
you'll forgo your armour for a chance to sneak past
to see your lover once more, to make this last
you watch the stars shining in the night sky
you know your lover can see one shoot by
sleep hits you fast, ambushed at last hour
you wake up, cold, without love, feeling sour
the gates open slowly, so you leap to your feet
soldiers stare calmly, the sight is so sweet
it's a gorgeous display of surrender and new
victory embodied in a giant statue
the war is over now, you're so positive
your lover will come to you, you both can live
there will be no divisions, you have won this time
and you'll see your lover with no enemy line
you drink with your closest friends, celebrate
there's nothing to fear, no ambushes to await
you sing and you dance and you wait to hear
from your lover, whom you're sure is oh so near
you fall asleep suddenly, awake with a start
there's ruins around you, you can't feel your heart
friends are gone, and the war's far from won
you look at the statue, you see what you've done.
it's a battle field filled with hate and force
and your lover's at the gates, a trojan horse
you've no way of knowing what's in store
fallen in love in the trojan war.
Favourite Book
09/16/2008
Another favourite.
you open up a side of me I never knew I had
you open me like an old book you loved
automatically falling open to your favourite parts
worn and used from being crushed in a backpack
or left carelessly at the side of your bed
thrown around but never forgotten about
not falling apart because you needed me
there would always be a part you wanted to read
somewhere soon, some passage you’d miss
open me up and find those old sentences
the printing is faded, but you know it by heart
you did not abuse me, or take me for granted
but loved me so much that I weathered it all
because I loved the way you feel with me
old, repeated words stirring up new emotions
finding secret meanings you never saw before
revisiting the images you’ve escaped to so many times
you can always find your escape within my pages
you can take me anywhere, and I’ll still provide
the story that will take you home every time
and you’ll fall asleep reading me and I will too
the best sleep we’ve had, just laying on your chest
and I’ve never been so comfortable
and I’ve never been so warm
and I’ve never been so taken care of,
so I don’t mind being worn.
and when you’re busy, you can stow me away
and just read a few words when you have a second
and I promise you in those few words I will save you
I’ll help you feel all of those feelings you need
just a few words, and I’ll bring you back to me
you can read me like that favourite book
we both know where to find your favourite parts
but you love every page, you know them by heart
I am willing to be bookmarked and dog-earred all my life
if it can always keep you safe and make you happy
I am willing to be worn and faded all the time
because I will keep the words inside as beautiful as new
and I will do whatever it takes to always come through for you
ou read me like that old book that you’ll always love
the one that had no final chapter.
Another favourite.
you open up a side of me I never knew I had
you open me like an old book you loved
automatically falling open to your favourite parts
worn and used from being crushed in a backpack
or left carelessly at the side of your bed
thrown around but never forgotten about
not falling apart because you needed me
there would always be a part you wanted to read
somewhere soon, some passage you’d miss
open me up and find those old sentences
the printing is faded, but you know it by heart
you did not abuse me, or take me for granted
but loved me so much that I weathered it all
because I loved the way you feel with me
old, repeated words stirring up new emotions
finding secret meanings you never saw before
revisiting the images you’ve escaped to so many times
you can always find your escape within my pages
you can take me anywhere, and I’ll still provide
the story that will take you home every time
and you’ll fall asleep reading me and I will too
the best sleep we’ve had, just laying on your chest
and I’ve never been so comfortable
and I’ve never been so warm
and I’ve never been so taken care of,
so I don’t mind being worn.
and when you’re busy, you can stow me away
and just read a few words when you have a second
and I promise you in those few words I will save you
I’ll help you feel all of those feelings you need
just a few words, and I’ll bring you back to me
you can read me like that favourite book
we both know where to find your favourite parts
but you love every page, you know them by heart
I am willing to be bookmarked and dog-earred all my life
if it can always keep you safe and make you happy
I am willing to be worn and faded all the time
because I will keep the words inside as beautiful as new
and I will do whatever it takes to always come through for you
ou read me like that old book that you’ll always love
the one that had no final chapter.
Slow
09/02/2008
it was a slow fall
realization
finding a perfect
combination
letting go of
all the limits
feeling, falling
completely in it
fit to each other
puzzle pieces
softest thought
heartbeat increases
we're holding hands
hold on tightly
go to bed happy
happy nightly
fall asleep
in your arms
feel as though
i'll never be harmed
you brush hair
off my face
look in your eyes
i've found my place
comfort, safety
by your side
yours for the taking
nothing to hide
time flies by
next to you
it's real, i feel,
this much is true
i will do anything
no inhibitions
i will love you
with no conditions
there's lots to feel
and lots to find
all will be felt with you
in time.
it was a slow fall
realization
finding a perfect
combination
letting go of
all the limits
feeling, falling
completely in it
fit to each other
puzzle pieces
softest thought
heartbeat increases
we're holding hands
hold on tightly
go to bed happy
happy nightly
fall asleep
in your arms
feel as though
i'll never be harmed
you brush hair
off my face
look in your eyes
i've found my place
comfort, safety
by your side
yours for the taking
nothing to hide
time flies by
next to you
it's real, i feel,
this much is true
i will do anything
no inhibitions
i will love you
with no conditions
there's lots to feel
and lots to find
all will be felt with you
in time.
There's A Reason Ruins Are Beautiful
08/19/2008
let it break down,
dissolving like sand
accept what you
just don't understand
it's nothing that you
can change if you try
watch it burn down
it's okay to cry
let it slip away
right through your fingers
forget the feeling
even if it still lingers
strength lies nearby
just around a hard corner
she's going to do it
no need to warn her
floodlighting flaws
lit up all around
just give in to it all
let yourself be found
it's the greatest escape
and it's beyond explaining
letting it break down
start over with what's remaining
you have to let go
give in to the pull
there's a reason ruins
are beautiful
let it break down,
dissolving like sand
accept what you
just don't understand
it's nothing that you
can change if you try
watch it burn down
it's okay to cry
let it slip away
right through your fingers
forget the feeling
even if it still lingers
strength lies nearby
just around a hard corner
she's going to do it
no need to warn her
floodlighting flaws
lit up all around
just give in to it all
let yourself be found
it's the greatest escape
and it's beyond explaining
letting it break down
start over with what's remaining
you have to let go
give in to the pull
there's a reason ruins
are beautiful
Take Two
08/15/2008
Just look at you, feel you
So this is the world.
I’m so young, I’m a child
I’m a little girl.
Or I’m just as good as that,
As I start anew.
This is how it feels, dear,
When I look at you.
Hands and fingers interlaced
I’d follow you to any place
Hands and fingers intertwined
I’ll stand beside you any time
Crooked smiles, crooked teeth
Laughter pouring out
Falling hard, and falling fast
There’s newness all about.
Helping me across the rocks
Hold me so that I don’t slip
You know how easily I’ll fall
Balanced on your fingertip.
Knees touching under tables
I’ll follow you, I’m fully able.
Knees to kneel on, kneel to pray
I’ll stand beside you any day.
Time is racing, challenging
In this race, it’s the hare
I’ll take my time this time with you
Don’t be afraid to catch some air
Just look at me, listen to me
So this is how it feels.
I’m so young, I’m a child
But I know what is real.
Just look at you, feel you
So this is the world.
I’m so young, I’m a child
I’m a little girl.
Or I’m just as good as that,
As I start anew.
This is how it feels, dear,
When I look at you.
Hands and fingers interlaced
I’d follow you to any place
Hands and fingers intertwined
I’ll stand beside you any time
Crooked smiles, crooked teeth
Laughter pouring out
Falling hard, and falling fast
There’s newness all about.
Helping me across the rocks
Hold me so that I don’t slip
You know how easily I’ll fall
Balanced on your fingertip.
Knees touching under tables
I’ll follow you, I’m fully able.
Knees to kneel on, kneel to pray
I’ll stand beside you any day.
Time is racing, challenging
In this race, it’s the hare
I’ll take my time this time with you
Don’t be afraid to catch some air
Just look at me, listen to me
So this is how it feels.
I’m so young, I’m a child
But I know what is real.
Love Poems Aren't Her Strength
08/04/2008
I wrote this because I wanted to write a love poem. That said, it's not my best.
I'm excited for suggestions on this one.
I've been set on fire
One that can't be extinguished
But now when the time comes
You'll be able to distinguish
Me from the burns
That you're already treating
I haven't seen much bad
Since our first meeting
These arms are not strong
No, they can't lift much
But you can stay in them
Until you're warm enough
The scrapes, cuts and bruises
Felt like they'd never fade
But all cuts closed when I opened up
It seemed like a fair trade
And I'm still scared sometimes
But I can live with this fear
I can feel everything
When I feel you near
I feel like a canvas
Marked and ripped by would-be art
Your bright colours and pastels
Draw me a fresh start
There's things I've never said
And the feeling is so cathartic
It's like seeing a sun rise
In dark corners of the Arctic
I feel like a child
When your hand's behind my neck
I know I can hold it up myself
But it feels good when you protect
There's things I've never felt
And some things I never will
But whenever you kiss me
I can always get a chill
So if I find myself long gone
It hasn't been a bad fall
And any bruises it might cause
I'm sure you're worth them all
Words come easy, go the same
Sometimes forgotten too fast
But give me the chance & I will
Make sure to make them last.
I wrote this because I wanted to write a love poem. That said, it's not my best.
I'm excited for suggestions on this one.
I've been set on fire
One that can't be extinguished
But now when the time comes
You'll be able to distinguish
Me from the burns
That you're already treating
I haven't seen much bad
Since our first meeting
These arms are not strong
No, they can't lift much
But you can stay in them
Until you're warm enough
The scrapes, cuts and bruises
Felt like they'd never fade
But all cuts closed when I opened up
It seemed like a fair trade
And I'm still scared sometimes
But I can live with this fear
I can feel everything
When I feel you near
I feel like a canvas
Marked and ripped by would-be art
Your bright colours and pastels
Draw me a fresh start
There's things I've never said
And the feeling is so cathartic
It's like seeing a sun rise
In dark corners of the Arctic
I feel like a child
When your hand's behind my neck
I know I can hold it up myself
But it feels good when you protect
There's things I've never felt
And some things I never will
But whenever you kiss me
I can always get a chill
So if I find myself long gone
It hasn't been a bad fall
And any bruises it might cause
I'm sure you're worth them all
Words come easy, go the same
Sometimes forgotten too fast
But give me the chance & I will
Make sure to make them last.
the start
07/26/2008
Just let the water run, dear,
It's perfectly clear,
What you can't control.
There's space left for you,
You can pull through,
This is done taking its toll.
Just let down your guard,
And pull out the shards
From your previous fall.
There's time for you yet,
So start making bets,
You can have it all.
And there's a beautiful, beautiful world out there
You've got beauty and talent and time to spare
There's a million things that you ought to share
So go out, don't look back and take care.
Just wake up from your dream,
It was perfect, it seems,
But things are getting better outside.
Write down what you hope,
It's all within your scope,
Now's your turn to seek and not hide.
Just lace up your shoes,
You know you've been used,
It's okay for the thought to still burn.
But there's much more to see,
New opportunities,
That you can conquer because you learned.
And there's so many, so many things to find
You're strong enough now to make up your mind
You can leave all you didn't want to be behind
Move forward, step up, and don't rewind
This is what the world,
Looks like to just a girl,
When looking down from the top.
You've gone so far,
You know now what you are,
There's no possible way you can stop.
These days kill you now,
But someday and somehow,
You're going to run this whole place.
So take a good look at me,
Because I need you to see,
I don't want you forgetting my face.
It's a new, a new morning, lighting up ray by ray
Don't be afraid of what you might have to say
Remember me, and don't feel like you must stay
Because this is the start of your life today.
I'll be there any way.
Just let the water run, dear,
It's perfectly clear,
What you can't control.
There's space left for you,
You can pull through,
This is done taking its toll.
Just let down your guard,
And pull out the shards
From your previous fall.
There's time for you yet,
So start making bets,
You can have it all.
And there's a beautiful, beautiful world out there
You've got beauty and talent and time to spare
There's a million things that you ought to share
So go out, don't look back and take care.
Just wake up from your dream,
It was perfect, it seems,
But things are getting better outside.
Write down what you hope,
It's all within your scope,
Now's your turn to seek and not hide.
Just lace up your shoes,
You know you've been used,
It's okay for the thought to still burn.
But there's much more to see,
New opportunities,
That you can conquer because you learned.
And there's so many, so many things to find
You're strong enough now to make up your mind
You can leave all you didn't want to be behind
Move forward, step up, and don't rewind
This is what the world,
Looks like to just a girl,
When looking down from the top.
You've gone so far,
You know now what you are,
There's no possible way you can stop.
These days kill you now,
But someday and somehow,
You're going to run this whole place.
So take a good look at me,
Because I need you to see,
I don't want you forgetting my face.
It's a new, a new morning, lighting up ray by ray
Don't be afraid of what you might have to say
Remember me, and don't feel like you must stay
Because this is the start of your life today.
I'll be there any way.
Chalk
07/21/2008
This is one of my favourites.
It smells like fresh flowers
And long lost hours
Of children playing with chalk.
The pavement is stained
And faded by rain,
The cool damp aftershock.
The illustrations are gone,
But they were worked on
From morning until dinner's ready.
Asked for five more minutes,
They had their hearts in it,
But their schedule had to run steady.
All they worked for,
Pavement made their knees sore,
Forgotten as they went to bed.
Outside the soft call
Of a summer rain fall,
Erased memories from their head.
He waits in his yard,
His baseball glove hard,
The car will pull in any time now.
His mom in the doorway,
With nothing to say,
No idea where to start and how.
The phone call is here,
Just as she feared,
And he's not coming home tonight.
He waits in the driveway,
Waiting for her to say,"Come in"
and he won't try and fight.
The game's on TV,
He watches quietly,
His mom buys him baseball cards.
He goes to bed,
Doesn't rest but instead,
Waits to go wait again in the yard.
That same record plays,
For the eighth time today,
She knows every note, every sound.
The picture stays near,
It's heartbreakingly clear,
What she's drowning out all around.
The sun shines bright,
But she curls up tight
On the floor as the music goes.
Feeling what she had then,
Her very best friend,
All the way down to her toes.
They try and they try,
Her dad says "Go outside",
But she just puts the needle back on.
The summer is calling,
And she lays stalling,
Missing her, with her favourite song.
Etched in wet concrete,
Their initials and feet,
Love made eternal outside her home.
The concrete grew hard,
On the edge of her yard,
And they never spent a day alone.
One night he worked late,
She tanned and then ate,
She went to bed early that night.
But he chose to stay out,
With a girl who'd been about,
A late phone call shook her with fright.
Her friends came the next day,
And with nothing to say,
They went to work on her sidewalk.
With every line made,
His memory fades,
Forgotten under markings of chalk.
The sun shines on,
The chalk is gone,
But there is more to those marks and lines.
What once felt so rotten,
Soon will be forgotten,
Like driveway chalk after dinner time.
This is one of my favourites.
It smells like fresh flowers
And long lost hours
Of children playing with chalk.
The pavement is stained
And faded by rain,
The cool damp aftershock.
The illustrations are gone,
But they were worked on
From morning until dinner's ready.
Asked for five more minutes,
They had their hearts in it,
But their schedule had to run steady.
All they worked for,
Pavement made their knees sore,
Forgotten as they went to bed.
Outside the soft call
Of a summer rain fall,
Erased memories from their head.
He waits in his yard,
His baseball glove hard,
The car will pull in any time now.
His mom in the doorway,
With nothing to say,
No idea where to start and how.
The phone call is here,
Just as she feared,
And he's not coming home tonight.
He waits in the driveway,
Waiting for her to say,"Come in"
and he won't try and fight.
The game's on TV,
He watches quietly,
His mom buys him baseball cards.
He goes to bed,
Doesn't rest but instead,
Waits to go wait again in the yard.
That same record plays,
For the eighth time today,
She knows every note, every sound.
The picture stays near,
It's heartbreakingly clear,
What she's drowning out all around.
The sun shines bright,
But she curls up tight
On the floor as the music goes.
Feeling what she had then,
Her very best friend,
All the way down to her toes.
They try and they try,
Her dad says "Go outside",
But she just puts the needle back on.
The summer is calling,
And she lays stalling,
Missing her, with her favourite song.
Etched in wet concrete,
Their initials and feet,
Love made eternal outside her home.
The concrete grew hard,
On the edge of her yard,
And they never spent a day alone.
One night he worked late,
She tanned and then ate,
She went to bed early that night.
But he chose to stay out,
With a girl who'd been about,
A late phone call shook her with fright.
Her friends came the next day,
And with nothing to say,
They went to work on her sidewalk.
With every line made,
His memory fades,
Forgotten under markings of chalk.
The sun shines on,
The chalk is gone,
But there is more to those marks and lines.
What once felt so rotten,
Soon will be forgotten,
Like driveway chalk after dinner time.
Inner Divide
06/09/2008
Quiet calm, quiet smile
Let's just run away
Quiet charm, we lay unharmed
I'd do this every day
Nothing protects or separates
We've set up no boundaries
The walls have crumbled, fallen down
It's only you and me
Situations have arised
They've broken down many before
But while you're near and I'm right here
I'll keep coming back for more
Lazy afternoons pass by
I'll be here till morning time
There's so much left to say and do
And so much we have to find
I wish the signs on the highway
Just told me where to go
I wish it was easy to see what I see
I wish everyone could just know
A half second increase in a heart beat
Doesn't seem like that much
But it speeds up as the world slows down
At the very slightest touch
There's a whole world left to understand
And I don't want to know it all
But I want to feel Venice's waters
And walk on China's wall
I want to be sure of myself
Never second guess a decision
If the world's going to tear me apart
I'll leave my own incision
I don't expect everyone to accept
What's taking place inside me
But I trust they'll soon come around
Before my mind starts to divide me
A picture that catches us mid laugh
It hangs up on my wall
I'll never be too far to return
I'll always answer your call
Circled destinations on a map
There's no map to my mind
I'm going all out, I'm outliving doubt
There's so much out there to find
It's the life changing moment
It's gone and snuck up on you
Don't kid yourself about bravery
None of us know what to do
Those memories serve as an elastic
To snap us back into place
We'll be so far, we'll be apart
But I'll always return for your face
There's so much taking me away from here
Enough to keep me out for a while
But a look at you guarantees my return
Quiet calm, quiet smile.
Quiet calm, quiet smile
Let's just run away
Quiet charm, we lay unharmed
I'd do this every day
Nothing protects or separates
We've set up no boundaries
The walls have crumbled, fallen down
It's only you and me
Situations have arised
They've broken down many before
But while you're near and I'm right here
I'll keep coming back for more
Lazy afternoons pass by
I'll be here till morning time
There's so much left to say and do
And so much we have to find
I wish the signs on the highway
Just told me where to go
I wish it was easy to see what I see
I wish everyone could just know
A half second increase in a heart beat
Doesn't seem like that much
But it speeds up as the world slows down
At the very slightest touch
There's a whole world left to understand
And I don't want to know it all
But I want to feel Venice's waters
And walk on China's wall
I want to be sure of myself
Never second guess a decision
If the world's going to tear me apart
I'll leave my own incision
I don't expect everyone to accept
What's taking place inside me
But I trust they'll soon come around
Before my mind starts to divide me
A picture that catches us mid laugh
It hangs up on my wall
I'll never be too far to return
I'll always answer your call
Circled destinations on a map
There's no map to my mind
I'm going all out, I'm outliving doubt
There's so much out there to find
It's the life changing moment
It's gone and snuck up on you
Don't kid yourself about bravery
None of us know what to do
Those memories serve as an elastic
To snap us back into place
We'll be so far, we'll be apart
But I'll always return for your face
There's so much taking me away from here
Enough to keep me out for a while
But a look at you guarantees my return
Quiet calm, quiet smile.
Your Body is New York City
05/29/2008
(Re-edited 12/02/2008)
Your body is New York City
It belongs in flashing lights
The energy's high, it never stops
You carry me through the nights
Your Central Park centers my heart
It's your shockingly natural side
It gives me shade and a place to rest
You're everywhere I can hide
You have a greater history
Than the museums you withhold
No matter how modern you become
Your soul still remains old
The power of all the skyscrapers
Glitters in your eyes
They block out the more subtle flaws
And look forever up to the skies
And who cannot be taken with you?
They come flooding from sea to sea
You enchant them, let them walk over you
And forget all about me
But you draw me back like you always do
Lit up brighter than Times Square
I'll rush to meet you at any border
But you always leave me there
Yet a million people are within you
They control your every action
You become filthy, too much I can't clean
You can't give lasting satisfaction
Your body is New York City
But I guess I'm a small town girl
There's so much hurt sewn in your streets
And more beauty for me out in the world.
(Re-edited 12/02/2008)
Your body is New York City
It belongs in flashing lights
The energy's high, it never stops
You carry me through the nights
Your Central Park centers my heart
It's your shockingly natural side
It gives me shade and a place to rest
You're everywhere I can hide
You have a greater history
Than the museums you withhold
No matter how modern you become
Your soul still remains old
The power of all the skyscrapers
Glitters in your eyes
They block out the more subtle flaws
And look forever up to the skies
And who cannot be taken with you?
They come flooding from sea to sea
You enchant them, let them walk over you
And forget all about me
But you draw me back like you always do
Lit up brighter than Times Square
I'll rush to meet you at any border
But you always leave me there
Yet a million people are within you
They control your every action
You become filthy, too much I can't clean
You can't give lasting satisfaction
Your body is New York City
But I guess I'm a small town girl
There's so much hurt sewn in your streets
And more beauty for me out in the world.
Written During A Can Lit Test
05/26/2008
I can feel a poem on my lips
Escaping through my fingertips
It's not the time, nor's it the place
But it can't be suppressed, can't be erased
A smile escapes and it's too late
Call it ADD or fate
My focus has shifted, gone for good
These days it's often misunderstood
Efforts drop heavy like a stone in water
Summer nears, the days get hotter
Heats brings memories of before
And I am gone, this lesson ignored
I feel a vibration in my pocket
I can't focus and I can't stop it
Lyrics appear and travel through my mind
There's meaning in them I'm meant to find
I'm proud of things I haven't done yet
Proud of goals that haven't been set
Proud of my body though I look gross today
I'm proud of the things I have to say
I'm sad for memories that will never be had
But that means they won't be lost, so I'm glad
I really wish I'd known you more
But things have happened, they've changed before
The depth of the waste shakes my core
So in your honour, I will achieve more
There are things to be created soon
I'll be with friends, singing our tune
A flower lays here on its side
It's too fun to play down, too nice to hide
I won't let all that he is bring me down
There's beauty escaping, I'm all around.
I can feel a poem on my lips
Escaping through my fingertips
It's not the time, nor's it the place
But it can't be suppressed, can't be erased
A smile escapes and it's too late
Call it ADD or fate
My focus has shifted, gone for good
These days it's often misunderstood
Efforts drop heavy like a stone in water
Summer nears, the days get hotter
Heats brings memories of before
And I am gone, this lesson ignored
I feel a vibration in my pocket
I can't focus and I can't stop it
Lyrics appear and travel through my mind
There's meaning in them I'm meant to find
I'm proud of things I haven't done yet
Proud of goals that haven't been set
Proud of my body though I look gross today
I'm proud of the things I have to say
I'm sad for memories that will never be had
But that means they won't be lost, so I'm glad
I really wish I'd known you more
But things have happened, they've changed before
The depth of the waste shakes my core
So in your honour, I will achieve more
There are things to be created soon
I'll be with friends, singing our tune
A flower lays here on its side
It's too fun to play down, too nice to hide
I won't let all that he is bring me down
There's beauty escaping, I'm all around.
Fantasies
This was written as I got out of something unhealthy and started something that was ridiculously good for me.
05/22/2008
Your swimming pool of dollar bills
Solid gold sunglasses on my face
Laughter seeps from the whitest teeth
Indulgence and diamonds adorn this place
We took off fast when we were young
Ran away from our shipwreck lifestyle
Luck and fate intertwined like our fingers
We drank and gambled and danced for awhile
How it happened, I was never sure,
But every thing fell before us at our feet
The Aztec legend, this city of gold
Was where our fantasies and lives did meet
As text messages pass under our desks
Vibrations in our pockets are the new whisper
Promises made in silence are still understood
The note that we pass is the new glass slipper
Fairy tales of princesses in dungeons
They're so necessary where we're at now
Escape is inevitable, excitement contagious
I'll let all my hair down, you'll climb up anyhow
Who knows whether we'll get that far
Walking through these dreams like walking on knives
These hands slip together like a foot and a slipper
Our quiet visions will save each other's lives.
05/22/2008
Your swimming pool of dollar bills
Solid gold sunglasses on my face
Laughter seeps from the whitest teeth
Indulgence and diamonds adorn this place
We took off fast when we were young
Ran away from our shipwreck lifestyle
Luck and fate intertwined like our fingers
We drank and gambled and danced for awhile
How it happened, I was never sure,
But every thing fell before us at our feet
The Aztec legend, this city of gold
Was where our fantasies and lives did meet
As text messages pass under our desks
Vibrations in our pockets are the new whisper
Promises made in silence are still understood
The note that we pass is the new glass slipper
Fairy tales of princesses in dungeons
They're so necessary where we're at now
Escape is inevitable, excitement contagious
I'll let all my hair down, you'll climb up anyhow
Who knows whether we'll get that far
Walking through these dreams like walking on knives
These hands slip together like a foot and a slipper
Our quiet visions will save each other's lives.
Too Tired For A Better Rhyme Scheme
05/21/2008
I’m a bench that you sit on when you’re too tired to walk
And the kisses you share when you’re too tired to talk
The checked off absences when you’re too tired to care
And the quiet sobs when you’re too tired to be there
I’m a bed that you lay in when you’re too tired to love
And the new girl that you’re too tired to be deprived of
The sigh when you’re too tired to say what you’d like
And the things that you yell when you’re too tired to strike
I’m a sidewalk that you use when you’re too tired to drive
And the drinks you drink when you’re too tired to be alive
The hand you hold when you’re too tired to go in
And the lies that you tell when you’re too tired to not win
I’m a phone that you use when you’re too tired to speak
And a testament to what you’re too tired to seek
The arm rolling off when you’re too tired to be close
And the striptease when you’re too tired to expose
I’m a white picket fence that you’re too tired to want
And your permission when you’re too tired to be nonchalant
The green ring on your finger when you’re too tired for gold
The young girls coming by when you’re too tired to be old
I’m a circus performer when you’re too tired to entertain
And a mirrored reflection when you’re too tired to be vain
The blame shifting when you’re too tired for a truce
And the being too tired to have a better excuse.
I’m a bench that you sit on when you’re too tired to walk
And the kisses you share when you’re too tired to talk
The checked off absences when you’re too tired to care
And the quiet sobs when you’re too tired to be there
I’m a bed that you lay in when you’re too tired to love
And the new girl that you’re too tired to be deprived of
The sigh when you’re too tired to say what you’d like
And the things that you yell when you’re too tired to strike
I’m a sidewalk that you use when you’re too tired to drive
And the drinks you drink when you’re too tired to be alive
The hand you hold when you’re too tired to go in
And the lies that you tell when you’re too tired to not win
I’m a phone that you use when you’re too tired to speak
And a testament to what you’re too tired to seek
The arm rolling off when you’re too tired to be close
And the striptease when you’re too tired to expose
I’m a white picket fence that you’re too tired to want
And your permission when you’re too tired to be nonchalant
The green ring on your finger when you’re too tired for gold
The young girls coming by when you’re too tired to be old
I’m a circus performer when you’re too tired to entertain
And a mirrored reflection when you’re too tired to be vain
The blame shifting when you’re too tired for a truce
And the being too tired to have a better excuse.
Forget Your Umbrella
05/15/2008
The stained glass pavement glows with rainfall
We laugh, we forgot our umbrella
Jumping in puddles is below us
But a subtle splash will be all right
I miss my knee high rubber rain boots
And rows of patent yellow rain coats
Shiny enough to see reflections
Clearer than in the puddles below
The mud that stained our Zellers clothing
Our badges of honour, playground scars
We're far removed from our childhood
Disguising our scars, showing no pride
We're not proud to play and get dirty
We smile politely, don't engage
We walk and laugh shyly now instead
The rain helps the so soft atmosphere
Smile when you offer your jacket
Childhood smiles and bad posture
Puddles don't reflect us like children
I yearn to show you my playground scars
The stained glass pavement glows with rainfall
We laugh, we forgot our umbrella
Jumping in puddles is below us
But a subtle splash will be all right
I miss my knee high rubber rain boots
And rows of patent yellow rain coats
Shiny enough to see reflections
Clearer than in the puddles below
The mud that stained our Zellers clothing
Our badges of honour, playground scars
We're far removed from our childhood
Disguising our scars, showing no pride
We're not proud to play and get dirty
We smile politely, don't engage
We walk and laugh shyly now instead
The rain helps the so soft atmosphere
Smile when you offer your jacket
Childhood smiles and bad posture
Puddles don't reflect us like children
I yearn to show you my playground scars
Go Sleeveless.
04/26/2008
(Re-Edited 12/02/2008)
I see your heart breaking on your sleeve
Don't quit while these lives hang on your pen
Precision guides your voice through hallways
Your sweet torturous heroism
The image of falling posters
Dramatic irony in your smile
Her bracelets' music echoes through you
The tune escapes through your fingertips
I see your heart beating in your wrists
The blood paints itself into your cheeks
Conversations sound like voice mail
My desires lie in your iris
Deny those dream interpretations
Literal meanings are all we need
Her subconscious touch leaves fingerprints
Envy and grief mix effortlessly
Your lips leave scars wherever they go
Disguising your heartbreaking exit
They lay there happy, scarred with ink stains
Your fingertips brand my every inch
Monosyllabic, words like heart beats
Previous footprints guide you through halls
Your shirt lays discarded, beside me
There's a new heart beating on your sleeve.
(Re-Edited 12/02/2008)
I see your heart breaking on your sleeve
Don't quit while these lives hang on your pen
Precision guides your voice through hallways
Your sweet torturous heroism
The image of falling posters
Dramatic irony in your smile
Her bracelets' music echoes through you
The tune escapes through your fingertips
I see your heart beating in your wrists
The blood paints itself into your cheeks
Conversations sound like voice mail
My desires lie in your iris
Deny those dream interpretations
Literal meanings are all we need
Her subconscious touch leaves fingerprints
Envy and grief mix effortlessly
Your lips leave scars wherever they go
Disguising your heartbreaking exit
They lay there happy, scarred with ink stains
Your fingertips brand my every inch
Monosyllabic, words like heart beats
Previous footprints guide you through halls
Your shirt lays discarded, beside me
There's a new heart beating on your sleeve.
Frustration
03/19/2008
Your fingertips cling to the cracks
That you're dying to slip through
To become a number, a statistic
A pixellated blur in the backround
Your bronze medal, bronze at best,
Cannot be engraved
Because you crave emptiness
Isolation and separation
And you're dying to change
Beyond the limits
Of everything you've ever been
To anyone else but the ones you idolize
You're morphing, transforming
Until it's forgotten and I wonder
Do you remember your name
When you're not shouting it for attention
Your character's chipped like the pavement
You strive to live on
You strive for anything miserable, to be different
Are you winning, are you breaking
The expectations everyone had
Are you proud of yourself, are you making it now
How ironic that your desire is to be so unlike us
In order to please your current gods
I hope your ideas last while your pride disintegrates
I hope your pride gives example to your new alter ego
I hope you take a lesson from all this
This is hope, and it's what you'll need
It's all you'll have once you get where you're going.
Your fingertips cling to the cracks
That you're dying to slip through
To become a number, a statistic
A pixellated blur in the backround
Your bronze medal, bronze at best,
Cannot be engraved
Because you crave emptiness
Isolation and separation
And you're dying to change
Beyond the limits
Of everything you've ever been
To anyone else but the ones you idolize
You're morphing, transforming
Until it's forgotten and I wonder
Do you remember your name
When you're not shouting it for attention
Your character's chipped like the pavement
You strive to live on
You strive for anything miserable, to be different
Are you winning, are you breaking
The expectations everyone had
Are you proud of yourself, are you making it now
How ironic that your desire is to be so unlike us
In order to please your current gods
I hope your ideas last while your pride disintegrates
I hope your pride gives example to your new alter ego
I hope you take a lesson from all this
This is hope, and it's what you'll need
It's all you'll have once you get where you're going.
Inability
Really old poem of mine. It's a little amateur.
02/05/2007
This journal was designed for recording dreams,
But I can't record what I let escape subconsciously
No, I can't record what I can't achieve.
You see what is real, you've designed what is fake,
And the line is so blurred even you do a double take,
And no, I can't record what I can't escape.
His false promises weight down my reputation,
His preceded him but I assumed I was a special occasion,
No, I can't record what couldn't amaze him.
These are the days when I strive to be higher,
To stay warm in blankets wrapped round me from the dryer,
No, I can't record all that I desire.
My hands are cold at every time of day,
And the boys who lie to grasp these hands don't like them that way,
No, I can't record the emotion I can't convey.
The unfinished homework mourns the wasted hour,
Scribbling useless frustrations is my equivalent to a cold shower,
No, I can't record when I have no power.
Flaws make up my body and my every aspect,
Unfulfilled, unsatisfied by the prerequisites of sex,
No, I can't record what I can't respect.
Typecast in every relationship and in every role,
The heavy words exchanged about me start to take their toll,
No, I can't record what I can't control.
Matching up to all the preconceived notions,
An empty mixture of too much drama, hurt and typical emotion,
No, I can't record this lack of devotion.
The world is ending around me but I procrastinate,
My never-ending mission for myself is to intoxicate,
No, I can't record my occupation as jailbait.
The heat is gone from my blanket and I let it be,
The heat is gone from everything, evaporated from my entireity,
No, I can't record the natural disaster that I see.
I haven't lived a day without breaking a law,
I could be a tragic hero but most likely just a tragic flaw,
No, I can't record this indulgence in sarcastic awe.
Hormones in me rage like a desperate football coach,
Insatiable in every way since the very second I awoke,
No, I can't record the punchline if I'm the whole joke.
A fear of falling in love mixed with a fear of heights,
Too afraid to hold onto something because it's almost always too tight,
No, I can't record what I know wasn't right.
Reputation getting heavy with the list of names,
I wasn't aware I was playing until I lost the game,
No, I can't record because I'm too ashamed.
Hunted down in hallways like in Vietnam,
Lost all hope of liking or even knowing who I am,
No, I can't record it if I don't give a damn.
Overcome with an ambition to finally break free,
Of all the hell I made for myself and all I don't want to be,
No, I can't record what I refuse to accept as me.
02/05/2007
This journal was designed for recording dreams,
But I can't record what I let escape subconsciously
No, I can't record what I can't achieve.
You see what is real, you've designed what is fake,
And the line is so blurred even you do a double take,
And no, I can't record what I can't escape.
His false promises weight down my reputation,
His preceded him but I assumed I was a special occasion,
No, I can't record what couldn't amaze him.
These are the days when I strive to be higher,
To stay warm in blankets wrapped round me from the dryer,
No, I can't record all that I desire.
My hands are cold at every time of day,
And the boys who lie to grasp these hands don't like them that way,
No, I can't record the emotion I can't convey.
The unfinished homework mourns the wasted hour,
Scribbling useless frustrations is my equivalent to a cold shower,
No, I can't record when I have no power.
Flaws make up my body and my every aspect,
Unfulfilled, unsatisfied by the prerequisites of sex,
No, I can't record what I can't respect.
Typecast in every relationship and in every role,
The heavy words exchanged about me start to take their toll,
No, I can't record what I can't control.
Matching up to all the preconceived notions,
An empty mixture of too much drama, hurt and typical emotion,
No, I can't record this lack of devotion.
The world is ending around me but I procrastinate,
My never-ending mission for myself is to intoxicate,
No, I can't record my occupation as jailbait.
The heat is gone from my blanket and I let it be,
The heat is gone from everything, evaporated from my entireity,
No, I can't record the natural disaster that I see.
I haven't lived a day without breaking a law,
I could be a tragic hero but most likely just a tragic flaw,
No, I can't record this indulgence in sarcastic awe.
Hormones in me rage like a desperate football coach,
Insatiable in every way since the very second I awoke,
No, I can't record the punchline if I'm the whole joke.
A fear of falling in love mixed with a fear of heights,
Too afraid to hold onto something because it's almost always too tight,
No, I can't record what I know wasn't right.
Reputation getting heavy with the list of names,
I wasn't aware I was playing until I lost the game,
No, I can't record because I'm too ashamed.
Hunted down in hallways like in Vietnam,
Lost all hope of liking or even knowing who I am,
No, I can't record it if I don't give a damn.
Overcome with an ambition to finally break free,
Of all the hell I made for myself and all I don't want to be,
No, I can't record what I refuse to accept as me.
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