our bed

03/26/2009

you say you're still waiting for me in our bed
in your room
in your home
with your sheets
and your pillows
with your imprint
on the mattress
where our past goes to die
because nothing before us has ever existed
in our bed.
in your covers
in your arms
with your skin
and your warmth
with your heart
so close to my chest
that i think it's housed in my ribs
right next to mine, where it belongs.
in our bed.
in your voice
in your words
with your whispered
and your shouted
words that bring such colour
to such a dark night
where under the blankets
we hide like children
our own secret place, with each other,
in our bed.
in my chest,
in my mind,
with my legs like lead
and my body like glue
to your softest sheets and
your sweetest skin,
the hardest thing to depart from.
but my imprint in the mattress
is waiting for me every time i return.
and you say you're still waiting for me in our bed

promise.

03/23/2009

i've never been so convinced
of always.
in the daylight,
night light,
you're my
highlight.
and this is my favourite person
i've ever claimed to be
you're the only one
that has ever really
looked at me.
and i believe every word
falling out between
both our lips
when they're not pressed
like puzzle pieces
fitting perfectly together.
and i have felt whats its like
to cry into you
and the tears go away.
you're the strongest person
that's ever held me
and you hold me like
i'm made of glass.
and to accept that this
is all we have
it's not so daunting
when your lips are
my lips'
perfect match.
and if you promise me
we'll be okay
and if you promise me
always
i'll promise you
everything.

stop being scared

03/16/2009

I read an article about how important it is to not focus solely on maintaining independence in a relationship, but to allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person, and rely on them.
Done.
Now the article mentioned a painful past and the constant fear of being left, the constant defenses put up to ensure that they would not be so hurt when the time eventually came.
They mentioned in but they neglected to mention how to overcome that fear.
I guess it's something you're supposed to work through together.
By being open with the person about everything, even if it scares you. And allowing yourself to be stressed out for a little, just to get it off your chest, only to be calmed by the thought of who you're with.
Realizing that when they reassure you, they mean it, and they're not just being polite or trying to calm you down. They're there for you. And when they say it's only you that they want, they mean that too.
Yes, you'll still get scared. You're a girl. No matter how many spiders you've seen get crushed, you still scream like a little bitch everytime one appears.
As someone very wise and very incredible once told me, it's okay to be scared, and it's expected, but someday you'll be able to recognize that those fears are irrational.
Because he loves you. And you love him.
So stop getting worried that when he goes out and drinks, he will be dying to take some hot slutty girl home. Or that your poor health as of late will convince him that you'll never be worth the trouble.
Because now that you're reading these things out in front of you, they make you sound absolutely crazy. So just be happy he loves you.
That same stupidly wise and incredible person offers the best advice. Just be happy and in love.

flowers

03/15/2009



and i told you it was freezing
so you went and got my coat
and you even wore yours
so that i felt more comfortable.
and my feet were cold but dry
as you carried me home.
my hands were as cold as always
but warmed enveloped in yours.
my head was dizzy, my body weak
and you held strongly onto me
you took me home and promised
that you didn't want to go out tonight.
you reminded me that i was romantic
when i teased you for being sweet
and i found something i thought i'd lost
when you kissed me that first time.
i thought i'd buried passion long ago
in a big field with childhood dreams
and i thought i'd have to sell my soul
to buy flowers to lay on their graves.
but when you held me next to you
and kissed me so carefully on every inch
i wanted to have everyone come forward
and lay flowers over my shadow
because there's nothing dark following me
when you're carrying me home.
and I’ll never get flowers from you
because you won’t give me anything that will die

first.

03/12/2009

I remember the first time I fell in love.
And don't judge me on how I interpret love, because as much as I'd like to blow off any 15 year old claiming they're head over heels and all this, I was 15. And I was in a town that made kids grow up a lot faster than they should've, and I don't mean grow up as in mature. I mean grow up as in they crave more, they feel they deserve more, their views on the world get bitter too soon, and they're too desperate to feel things that are different and more adult.
But the first person I fell in love with.
He was a person I struck an instant friendship with, but we met through this weird church youth thing that was always a total whorehouse by the end of the weekend, so the sexual tension started off pretty high. We connected though, he lived hours away, we talked a lot online and it was just a really comfortable feeling.
He was someone I'd talk to my friends about, just in passing, about funny things he'd said, or a song he'd told me about. And I remember, he would say things that I would interpret as sweet, and whether or not I'd see them that way now is a total toss-up, but I heard them and I loved it. I vividly remember, and this is the most pre adolescent sounding revelation possible, but I copied and pasted one of those sweet things to my friend. She laughed and did one of those off-handed, "You're in love with him."
I remember sitting in the middle of my wood panel basement, in the computer chair, just frozen. Absolutely shell shocked. And I cried. All of a sudden, my body was frozen but I was crying, just non-stop. And I told my friend, "I am. You're right, I am." And I cried for a long time.
And I've fallen in love since then. And it had never felt like that.
I remember the first one I said I love you to was a total lie. I was just in one of those frenzies to be serious.
And then another time, he'd said it to me two days into our relationship and I'd talked it down, saying I didn't think he really knew what he meant. And then I ended up saying it weeks later when I was drunk.
And, someone told me once, and I burst into tears. And shook my head a lot. And basically had the worst reaction possible. Then later that night, caved. I don't think 40 minutes could've made that much of a difference in my mind, but I was under the impression that it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
As such, none of these times ever felt real. It was never this genuine overcoming of emotion, and realization. There was never a stand out moment when I was dumbfounded, realizing "I love this person."
Though to be fair, once I did love them, they all massacred me. So perhaps that was asked for.
The night you first told me you thought you loved me, I was yelling at you. It was almost all over in that one night, and then as soon as you stopped talking the same way, I realized I couldn't handle it.
I probably should've known.
But you have told me you loved me many times, and you've never made me feel pressured to say it back, just to catch up with you or anything.
There were times when I felt myself coming close to saying something, and then I felt like it was another situation where I was just saying it because I would feel obligated or something. So I didn't say anything. Or I'd kiss you.
I think I scared myself out of saying anything, or even acknowledging feeling anything, many times.
And then all of a sudden, I was talking to your family, and your friends, and all these people had heard about me. And I was falling over snowbanks and you were gripping onto me to make sure I didn't fall.
And then there's this huge chaotic scene around us, and there's loud music and lots of lights, and everyone's drunk but us, but it's okay.
And you kiss me, and watch me wave to my friends a section away, and we both pretend to not hear each other sing along, as that would probably permanently damage our feelings for each other.
And then I was looking at you, and I wasn't denying it anymore. I wasn't forcing my mind to stop, and to think about something else. I was looking at you and it was there.
It was just a long time of not knowing what to say. Actually, I knew exactly what to say, but it was a lot of my mouth opening and nothing happening.
We were walking home, and you were carrying me over all the really big puddles. And I was really cold and you were holding my hands.
Then we were in my house, and you were leaving in minutes and kissing me, and telling me you loved me and my mouth worked.
I said the same thing you said when you first let the words out. I tried to restrict it by saying I think.
It didn't work.
And then it was there, I was crying, just crying a lot, and telling you how scared I was, and you were a frenzy, you were wiping tears off and saying you'd never hurt me. And you looked so happy, and everything felt so good.
And I couldn't stop crying, but I kept saying it. I kept saying it until it wasn't scary to say it anymore.
It was that emotional awestruck feeling, and it felt like it was the very first time I'd ever fallen in love.
It's like the same feeling, but completely new. And there's this beautiful happiness just guaranteed with it, along with the fear and the vulnerability of the first time. The happiness comes with knowing that I can be vulnerable with you.
I've always wanted to fall in love for the first time.

like a flower.

03/09/2009

move your body
try to be a dancer
contort and twist
for every answer
let your thighs
speak in volumes
give a peek
strip your costume

twist and bend
bend and break
break and let
him overtake.

you're a girl
he's a boy
knives are sharp
and they're not toys.
shut your mouth
make yourself small
the silent are most
desired of all.

twist and bend
bend and break
break your body
for his sake.

crying only
makes you weak
strip your costume
for a peek.
gain your ground
by standing still
contort and twist
give him his fill.

twist and bend
bend and break
break the rules
and you're at stake.

and i will shrink
like a flower
in the winter's
coldest hour.

i don't want to be alone with me.

03/08/2009

your words make my lips quiver
jealous they didn't speak them
your eyes fall to unsteady lips
and with your mouth you keep them.
in your hands a promise lies
to not let us grow old.
i like when you kiss me
because only then am i not cold.
your heart's boiling over
and your lips have a third degree burn
my ear's adorned with bandages
there's a lot that i have learned.
my throat hurts from nearly bursting
from all the things i can't say
stand me in the middle of the sea
for i'm already swept away.
you're a man, i'm a peacock
but we're birds of the same feather.
there's lots of things to drown in
my dear, forget the weather.
i feel something in me beat again
and i'll wear it on my sleeve
even if the wind picks up outside
i hope you don't have to leave.
because without you, i return
to a constant, incessant shivering
and i don't know if my mouth moves
without my lips quivering.

weightless

03/08/2009

there was a lot less left of me when you left.
i poured everything i had into what we could be, and i did everything possible to be perfect.
and i wasn't enough for you.
i didn't fit into your schedule and i didn't even make it to the top five as far as your priorities were concerned.
and there was a time when you tried. when i meant a whole lot to you, and i was still nervous about all this, and you were proving to me that you were worth taking a chance on.
there isn't much in this world that isn't worth taking a chance on. whether it turns out the way you wanted to or not.
i don't think you ever once defended me. i don't think you were proud enough to consider me worthy of defense.
i was something that came along when you had time for it. something that relieved your stress for awhile and then left. and i was willing to do it. because i cared for you.
i got physically sick worrying about you. i couldn't eat when you were at your worst because i was so full of anxiety that i couldn't stomach anything else. and i never told you that, because the last thing i wanted to do was make you feel guilty or stress you out more.
you could've used that sometimes though. you really did need me to tell you that you were being awful sometimes. before it got to the point that i was so walked over, and so last priority, that i didn't know what, if anything, i was worth.
i'd told you things i'd never told other people before because i wanted you to know me completely.
and it makes sense that i would be left insecure by all this. because when you try and give yourself completely to someone, and you still aren't worth it to them, it's hard to believe you ever will be.
and the true romantic at heart inside of me is still recovering. you pretty much sent her into intensive care, she wasn't doing too well for a long time. i was aching for my hope in people to be renewed. i didn't know how much i trusted anyone.
do you have any idea how it feels to be with someone that makes you feel like you're everything to them, and that they would do anything for you? well, of course you do. but i've never known this before.

you. the new feeling, the renewal.
the patience, you're taking your time with me, you know how terrified and insecure i am. you're relieving it more and more every day by being so perfect.
and i know this cynical horrible person standing in for the true romantic while she's on sick leave has been in control of me for far too long. because i feel this, and i'm not going to let fear or doubts or some dreadful past experience interrupt this.
you greet me everytime you see me with genuine happiness and excitement. you pick me up and spin me and i've never felt for a second that you would lose your grip. that weightless feeling stays with me so much longer than you know.
weightless is the perfect word for it, because i'm through being pulled down by gravity and all these heavy things, all these things desperate to keep both my feet planted on the ground.
you had me swept off my feet before they even had a chance.
and i could cry because it's this relief, this perfect answer to my questioning the goodness inside of people. it's you.
i can believe in things again, i can give in to how i feel, i can fall in love again and this time, i won't be worried about how you think of my past or how you think i look without make up or anything idiotic like that.
i can be sick and pasty and wearing a t-shirt a good 7 sizes too big for me. and everytime you see me, it's like that greeting again, that same excitement just to be near, that weightless feeling.
and if i'm scared, it's okay. you get through the fear because it's hard, and nothing worth having comes easy.
you didn't come easy sweetheart. i got emotionally destroyed so many times for having faith in people, and you are fantastic at showing me it was all worth it.
you've been devoted to me since our first real talk. and i believe that you'll stay that way.
it's beautiful to feel again.


Listen To: Regina Spektor - Fidelity

happily married.

03/02/2009

he sits on an ironic loveseat
she sits on the arm of the armchair
and her foot taps against the side
it taps and taps and taps
the ice clinks in his glass
"would you like some soda?"
her voice is all resigned sigh
he shakes his head and sips
liquor potent on his lips
her tapping is more potent
her hands cross at her hips
he takes up the whole loveseat
just him, the man, and his glass,
and some room for the chip on his shoulder.
the mark of lipstick moves
in place of where her mouth once was
lipstick came in to replace him
it brings a little more colour to her face
and it certainly outlasts him.
she wonders why he needs the whole loveseat
perhaps he's pretending someone else is there
like last night and the night before
she twitches, anxious at the thought,
her foot taps and taps against the side
releasing the thoughts she tries to hide
there's breaths sharper than normal
he exhales loudly like he's about to rise
he cannot stand, she cannot fall
hands shake as she stands for him
she brings the biggest bottle over
and rather than just pour him another
she places it in front of him on the table
he looks at her and begins to think
perhaps he'll will her to be someone else
her lipstick quivers like she can read his mind
and she pours the amber liquid.
she sits back down hard on the arm of the armchair
questioning why she should bother to serve him
when she clearly doesn't match up to competition
he takes a long swig and makes a decision
her chest hurts from reminding herself not to kiss him.
his eyes glaze over and he feels content
she's rubbing her back where her spine should have been
"why do you perch there, what do you want"
it comes out less like a question, and more like a taunt
and if her smile had a tone
it would be sarcastic
as she shakes her head and lights a cigarette
he lets the glass drop onto the floor and shatter
and he stretches across his claimed loveseat.
she leaves the room and does not return to clean
she sits in the hallway outside and taps her feet
waiting for him to rise in the morning and step on the glass.

calm yourself.

02/23/2009

in a mall parking lot,
with two parked cars
in bed at night,
between wrinkled sheets
my phone vibrates,
keeps me from sleep
with this, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
in the middle of the hall,
with wine on my lips,
in a single small bed,
with your arm on my hip.
without your hand,
it gets harder to sleep.
with time, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
while i am a dandelion,
that you have blown away,
and while you got your wish,
i'll try to grant it every day,
there's something soothing about
thinking of you before i sleep.
with words, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
so come lay with me,
we can lay anywhere,
with my head on your chest,
and your hand in my hair.
you kiss the top of my head
as i drift off to sleep.
with you, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.