Sunday, December 20, 2009
my baby
Sunday, December 13, 2009
it's an angry one.
Friday, December 4, 2009
revolutions per minute.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
you're my muse.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
human
Thursday, October 8, 2009
within.
within a line of thought i find
a loss of focus of my mind
a drift to something i don’t know
always to you is where i go
i find myself off somewhere else
i don’t know where to find myself
anywhere but in this place
within my thoughts there lies your face
i learn of desire and appetite
the body wants not what is right
not all the time at least for all
but here i find there’s no withdrawal
follow my first thought, craving
you of course, and i’m braving
against what i’ve been taught to suppress
lose my schooling, lose my dress
it’s never wrong when i end up here
it’s never unnatural, so i will steer
my body held up in all its glory
within your sheets i could tell a story
so, i belong in works of art
so paint this picture within your heart
feel this we have, this love, this heat,
and keep me wrapped up in your sheets
i worry not about where we are
or if it’s right, that we belong this far
for you warm me up, you keep me full
and good is only what we find beautiful.
Monday, September 21, 2009
seven beautiful months.
Friday, September 18, 2009
ghosttown.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
dehydrated
Saturday, September 12, 2009
chrysanthemums
Sunday, August 2, 2009
golden curls
we're dead tired i know
my muscles ache from the show
but we lay in bed
babe hold my head
there's time before you go.
we hug, we kiss
so long i've missed
what you say
oh, your way,
i'll never tire of this.
you're so sweet, and your style
god it will take a while
for me to frown
the world goes round
for me every time you smile.
we stay up late and strain
for more time, keep us sane
you are to me
every fantasy
and you kissed me, so sweet, in the rain.
and my birthday you wrote
just the most loving note
between the pages
we'll keep for ages
the book pales next to your quote.
jewellery, please no pearls
i'm a much happier girl
something small
not too much at all
i prefer these lovely golden curls.
now they hang by my face
and what a wonderful place
matching yours
my heart soars
to be like you, my dear, in any case.
this rhyme scheme is hard.
basically.
you can do the sweetest thing
like remember i want to be kissed in the rain
and then kissing me in the rain
and then you can give me this beautiful gift
and everything just becomes so clear.
everything you do for me, is the most beautiful thing i could ask.
i love you so much.
Friday, July 10, 2009
god you love me
god i love you,
i feel it so fully
and it's so calming
to have the rest of my life
ahead of me
knowing i have this part
completely figured out.
you completely figured me out
i wouldn't be surprised
if we got married
you'd wear a suit
i'd have the simplest gown
and our friends would throw rice
kiss me in rice showers
from now until then let's kiss
every single time that it rains
and let's pretend it's rice showers.
i like us living together
in a tiny apartment
fuck it'd be filthy
we're filthy, we're messy
but we'd clean up for company
and lay about the mess
you kill the bugs
i'll cook the breakfast
i'll make the tea
and you run the bathwater
bubble baths together
i get out of the shower first
so you can shake your hair dry
and then we kiss, all wrapped in towels
god i'd kiss you the rest of my life
i love yellows and reds and greens and blues
oh it would take ages to paint
and we'd change our mind everyday
but that's okay we'd just keep painting
and after all, we have each other
you bring all the colour to my world anyways
all the colour to my world.
you tell me you want this
god, you love me
god, you love me
i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Friday, July 3, 2009
i suck
they all got bored of me too you know
why do you all find it so surprising that i'm insecure
and that i can't take the compliments
that you dole out needlessly
within a few months
you'll be tired of me too
i won't be as magical
as beautiful
as incredible
and you won't want to say those things
you certainly won't mean them
you used to die to stay the night
you're inching for the door
don't feel so bad dear, it's practically science
every river in the world will eventually dry.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
crash together like waves
your kiss comes like a cannonball
i'm your vessel, hit, i fall
lay your claims, and come aboard
find within yourself restored
i can tell when the waves will come
our gaze freezes till one succumbs
the cannonball strikes again but now
the bounds are broken, i allow
the tongue to feel its own way through
i find myself closer to you
your hands graze over my body where
my fingers slide and grip your hair
your lips on my throat follow their track
trace your fingers down as i arch my back
now we've moved from rivers to oceans
there's no more boundaries between our skin
the sweat on your skin tastes like saltwater sweet
and our bodys intertwine all the way to our feet
the simplest taste and you envelope me whole
your mouth moves so swiftly, we've lost control
and the way that you taste, my god, i'm submersed
all the water on earth couldn't quench this thirst
and it slows, and we feel calm before the storm
your body, my body, so soft and so warm
our eyes meet again and as i reach for your kiss
it begins and the world stops, all there is is this
and we sigh and cry out, i'm full from within
feel my hands grip as you melt into my skin
and you go to kiss me, and how my lips quiver
we whisper, feel misted, i'm hot but i shiver
we're two solid beings but the way that we flow
we mix and move as fluid as any ocean we know
soaking wet, treading water, drowning in you
hearts beating in time, stopping, and beginning anew
you look into me and i feel you from my very core,
we crash into each other like waves to the shore.
its okay to lose patience
now i know you can lose patience with me
from time to time
because i tend to just lose my mind
and i'll go from dancing around your room
in my underwear
proclaiming how good i look
and making you kiss me
kiss me everywhere
i'm a prize my love look at me
look how good i look
when i'm looking up at you
and then i'll lose my mind
and tell you things unkind
take a joke too far and mock you
like every worst case scenario
comes true when i'm not around
and i wrap myself in layers and blankets
because you shouldn't have to see an inch
and i don't know why i get like this
i know you must want to lose it every time
lash out at me, and that'd be just fine
it doesn't hurt when you're upset
but it hurts when i upset you
and i think i just let it get too far sometimes
as i tend to do that every now and then
but my dear, you love that quality in me
it's why we came together
while i was in something else
and why we stayed together
despite the words of someone else
its why i didn't quit
when i heard every story
but instead found within you
an escape from my past
my past and my stories.
the insecure make the best lovers sweetheart
because while we are absolutely infuriating
with our attitudes toward ourselves
when we find someone who, like you,
shows us something we can love in ourselves,
they are all we live for.
my dear, is it any wonder
that you receive so many gifts
i can't go anywhere without thinking
of what you might like.
is it any wonder, my love,
why i look better now than i ever have
why i feel better now than i ever have
it's you, it's all in the way
that you make me move
that you make me speak
that you make me think
my love, the way you make me feel.
it brings tears to my eyes every second.
it hurts so much when i realize i've gone too far
but i promise i'll never let it overpower the rest.
because for every time i lose my mind
you will find the next day i am laughing more
and holding you closer
and kissing you sweeter
and i feel more strongly for you every time
that you let me lose my mind
in front of you.
so it's okay to lose patience sometimes.
as long as i don't lose my love,
you can lose your patience, and i'll lose my mind.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
here we go
you buy me a ring,
i'll wear it anywhere,
on my finger,
round my neck,
hangin from my hair.
you buy me a dress,
i'll wear it just for you,
let's get drunk and
pledge what's true.
i love you.
i know i get awful mean
when i drink
so look at me, remind me
i don't need to think
too far into anything
take my hand
buy me a ring.
take me dancing
all by ourselves
lift me up and kiss me
on your bedroom shelf
i'll dance in bare feet
and get swept away
you're so damn romantic
and i love your ways.
we'll light up the night
in damn well any place
i've never known a thing
like i know your face.
you take me to town,
i'll get all prettied up,
i'll make you proud,
let me fill you up,
with something you'll never want
from another human being
baby listen to me
i'll wear your ring
tell me anything
i love your everything.
Monday, June 8, 2009
our love.
our love belongs in a loft apartment
with no more than four walls
over a bookstore we own
it's only open half the time because
we prefer our days spent in bed
together, we prefer them in bed together.
our love belongs in waking up
to the other cooking breakfast for us both.
i know you hate eggs
so i'll just make extra bacon
and toast with butter and peanut butter.
the same toast i'll make for you
when you get far too drunk
which happens a little often
but you're so cute when you stumble.
and you've held my hair back plenty,
so let's drink a little much and tuck each other in
nestled up close enough to fit on a single bed.
and our love belongs in notes
left on the bedside table
when you're up early and go to the gym
it'll remind me to eventually go
instead of being lazy and doing pilates
on our living room floor.
our love belongs in something so constant
in something so matter of fact
because you come down to kiss me good night
and nothing has ever felt so right
it's how i know where our love belongs
and that it fits in the rest of my life.
because you are the rest of my life.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
cing
feel, fade
and in between,
tell me i mean
anything.
take me dancing
take me out
show me off
show pride, just shout.
say things that
you really mean,
tell me i mean
anything.
act so proud
and i'll believe,
tell me i mean
anything.
i don't have faith
in what i see
i don't take my views
so kindly.
my spine is now
embedded with straws
reflections covered
with all these flaws.
when i laugh
i feel it so deep
i brag of you
tell me what i mean
feel, fade
and in between,
tell me i mean
anything.
take me out,
take me dancing,
tell me i mean
anything.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
i'm short, you're sweet.
theres a lot more i didnt understand
before you spoke to me
theres plenty things i'm blind to
until you can help me see.
i know no prescription or advice
can compare to what i find
everytime you lift me up
so don't leave me behind.
theres no amount of effort
you barely lift your hand
but there's so much more with that lift
that i can understand.
and if the whole world leaves us
you'll help me handle what's in store
i'd really like to see you around here
just a little bit more.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i'm so depressing.
i haven't cried for awhile.
i get so weak sometimes it's actually ridiculous.
i feel like i have a certain amount of confidence per day and if i use up too much of it, i can't apply it to anything else.
i'll get a fucking incredible role, and that's fantastic.
i'm exhausted and i just want to stay up and talk to you.
i'm so scared for when you stop trying.
i just want my favourite fucking book back.
i want to not feel left out.
or inadequate.
are you attracted to me
i wouldn't be.
i don't get why my mind twists every thing, even a nice thing, into something that gets to me in the worst possible way.
i'm going to drive you away and it's the most inevitable thing.
i'm trying to push it away for as long as i can.
i can't imagine anyone wanting to be with someone like this forever.
i'm just as capable as all those other girls who auditioned.
they have more experience i'm sure. they may seem more talented now, i know.
but i will give my fucking all.
you know what i'm talking about.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
beautiful bride.
it's raining out
and that's quite all right
i'll be here till the
morning light
take my hand
promise your life
next to me
i'll be your wife
if you need a break
then i can provide
my dear, i'll be
a beautiful bride
and i'll lock the doors
if you hate the outside
i promise i'll be
a beautiful bride.
time lapses slowly
i prefer it so
i get so depressed
everytime you go
here's my hand
keep me on the right track
you tell me don't worry
you'll always me back
for you, i'll do all
i'll hold back the tide
my dear, i'll be
a beautiful bride
if it's all too much
with me you'll hide
i promise i'll be
a beautiful bride
when you kiss me
i'm in pieces
and from its binds
my soul releases
i strive to make
you feel this way
for as long as i can
for every day.
so come to me
yes, let's collide
my dear, i'll be
your beautiful bride
hold me tighter
let's never divide
i promise i'll be
your beautiful bride.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
mixed messages
your eyes have never looked so fine
as when you tell me i look divine
so look up from the floor, keep me in line
how can i keep up when you're crazy all the time
your hair is as wild as the thoughts you make
in my head, they don't seem hard to take
when you cry i know i am a mistake
promise me you'll never be like them, so fake.
you're a fragile thing and i love you for that,
why do you start to speak then take it back?
your tears look painted onto your skin,
don't play this sweetheart, you'll never win.
my dear, i am trying to be all i can,
i'm the bottom of the barrel for such a man,
take my word, and believe that it's sound,
if i fall short once more, i'll burn to the ground.
your lips can say things i feel in my bones ,
you fill me with things that i've never known.
the rest when they speak, it's a dial tone,
if i'm not with you, then i'll be alone.
i listen to everything you say so clear,
and your criticism always rings sincere.
i respect what you tell me though it's hard to hear,
you're so hard to take sometimes, my dear.
she's so beautiful and i want her to see,
my words come out twisted and hurt so deeply.
i've never intended pain on something so sweet.
i wonder what she thinks when we fall asleep.
so my dear, my dear, it's clear, i know
i don't compare, i've nothing left to show
i know i can't keep you, don't deny so,
just promise you'll wake me before you go.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
scared
i'm pretty tired of the bad dreams.
and of snapping at everyone because i'm tired and stressed.
and scared.
i'm scared of hating who i am
because i can't handle who you are
and i'm becoming such a mess
that i don't know why anyone is around me
and then i get scared that pretty soon
there won't be anyone around me.
i feel like i'm losing my support system
i feel like i'm losing a friend
if we haven't talked for a few days
i'm paranoid that everyone hates me
or will.
i'm scared that i'm driving him away
with being so stressed and worried
and paranoid and jealous
it's ironic
i'm so sure he'll leave me
that it might frustrate him to the point
of leaving me.
i don't want to be that girl.
i just want to live and have all the people i love
but i'm afraid that they won't want a thing to do with me
i would stay up so late talking to you
about music and boys and feelings
and i haven't talked to you for days
i'm scared you're angry
and that you'll be gone
i'm just so scared all the time
i want to let it all go.
i want to be happy.
i have every reason to be happy.
stop being insecure
stop trying to be better
enjoy who you are
enjoy what you have
be happy
look at these people
be happy
stop being scared
be happy.
your perfect curls
the way you touch my shoulders
you massage me when i'm sore
and let me sleep on you
when i'm tired.
don't leave.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
halfmoon
there was a half moon in the sky
the night that you left.
it makes me sad to think such a thing
could be anything but full.
just drawing light towards all things
that are beautiful in the night.
just guiding those who are lost
safely back to their home.
giving hope to those who are almost sure
there will be no light tomorrow.
comfort to those scared of the dark
and i do admit i fear what lurks there
beyond the trees, in shadows and things,
people i can't trust, people i can't see,
ready to pounce at the slightest misstep
guide me home, moonlight, and help me breathe
easily again because paranoia sets in
and sometimes i fear i'm as crazy as them.
but i think i'm only nervous because
i recognize how easy it is to become lost
in this world
to this world
out of this world.
and what i have is much too precious
to jeopardize a minute with carelessness
when i said let's live like this forever
i meant it.
i can only be careless when i'm with you.
because only you can give me light
in the middle of the darkest hour.
the moon was half full the night that you left.
so was i.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
adequate
you are spectacularly adequate
the best of mediocre
perhaps not gold or silver
but a participation ribbon.
you are purely deceiving
to fake at anything but
spectacularly adequate.
though, don't fret,
they will catch on anyways
it's hard to hide such a great
lukewarm presence.
at the best of times,
you are invisible.
at the worst,
your presence.
why become preoccupied
with attempts at achievements
you're destined for a life
of underwhelming.
although it may seem otherwise
i imagine you feel it coming
the emptiness before
they all stop to realize
that the most extra
ordinary
is not worth much time at all.
why exert yourself or your heart
on something so unappreciative
and so unimpressive.
summer is the easiest season
in which to disappear.
so make yourself less heard
less seen
less known
better.
you spectacularly adequate
girl.
Friday, April 24, 2009
the chemistry of stars
outside where we are
it is darker than night
throw our heads to the sky
and the sky is clear
you're going to show me
what stars are made of.
if you lie on your back
and i lie on your arm
we'll lay and look upward
and i'll stay still
with you
in a fury of movement
that goes unnoticed
in the universe.
when we lay this close
and this intertwined
then nothing else
could possibly be disturbed.
the air and the light
stay perfectly still
as we remain frozen
without ever stopping
the world will turn
and the stars will fall
on the same sky every night
nothing changes
but our view on them.
like our love
and our mingled bodies
every single night
the universe remains unchanged
let the world move around us
as i'm fallen on your sky
for all of time, let's only let
how they see us change.
we are made of light
but we don't move so fast
why rush what will always last.
we are made of love
of love and of light
and you'll lie on your back
i'm on your arm tonight.
you're going to show me
what stars are made of.
Monday, April 20, 2009
between sheets
i'm weak in the back of the knees
you kissed all my insecurities
you never pressed without a please
you held me, there was a whispered tease
i'm naked in every possible way
more satisifed than i'll ever say
the words probably don't exist anyway
between sheets, i'd stay here every day
so pour and press me in concrete
your lips move from my head to feet
eventually ours both will meet
pressed soft, we'll whisper something sweet
and i'm never going to lose my place
under your arm, on your chest i trace
the words i love you like stars in space
between the sheets, i'm happy to give up the chase
my ribs bruise and i really believe
it's because i was made for you, your eve
synchronized heartbeats deceive
only one heart remains, keep it on my sleeve.
let's leave the past behind, it will stay
let's whisper things while here we lay
a kiss and my inhibitions melt away
between sheets, this is the only way.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
light as air
and i will drift through
as light as air
behind your hand
going through your hair
while you stand
just stand and stare
right behind you
i'll be there.
there's less to worry
i'm always near
i'll keep you safe
i'll keep you dear
your closest wish
is my command
the things i'd do,
you can't understand.
i'll stay up till all hours
in case you really need me
i won't exist anywhere else
but where you need me to be.
i've never lived my life
for another person before
but with you, it feels like this
is something i'm going to do more
and i care for you more every second
i love you more every day
so don't feel anxious, i'm right behind you
i promise you this is where i'll stay.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
i write things before 12 hour work days
i feel like i understand what it's like to be a drug addict
at least the high parts
to feel something so undiluted, so pure, so genuine, to feel it so fully that you become aware of simple facts and appreciate them so much more, like the blood coursing through me and my heart beating.
to be totally at peace with doing nothing and going nowhere.
as long as that pure, perfect thing is there.
i hate drugs
but i love you
and this addiction isn't going to hurt me or others, although perhaps if my passion for you keeps getting so overwhelming, i'll need to seek medical attention. just sedate myself a little
my desire to travel has become less of an obsession and more of a pleasant afterthought
because no matter how far i go and what i find in this world, i have this overwhelming certainty of faith that it will not compare to what i have with you.
i want to do overwhelmingly romantic things for you
i want to not give you everything you need, but simply be it
i want to be there in every possible way, every single day, for as long as possible
this is not a 'for the next few weeks, let me know if you need me'
it's a 'i will be there for you as soon as you call. forever."
i've never felt so genuinely committed to something before.
life is so valuable and i always find it sad that people try to enjoy life the most when it is without commitment to anyone
i think commitment keeps you grounded so you don't miss any little beautiful thing to enjoy along the way
i feel very final. just completely satisfied with what i have.
there is nothing in this world i would not do for you.
there is no one who could compare.
this is the first and last.
i love you ben lass.
Monday, April 6, 2009
fog.
i hate reminders that i'm mortal
but you make immortality
seem so overrated.
take time to see what i'm scared of,
take time to be the antidote.
you make immortality seem
so very overrated.
and i'm driving home like
i'm chasing fog
and i can't see more than an inch.
and when i shake, i'm scared,
but only because you're so far away.
and the taste of being overwhelmed
it's getting hard to rinse out
i could sure use a new sensation.
i've been blinded and deafened,
i'm ready to feel,
won't you replace the taste i have.
and you're making me shake,
you're making me afraid,
every second i don't hear from you.
my dear, the sky is falling,
the earth below me's breaking,
where can i stand if i'm not beside you.
why must i fear that i'll stand alone
why must i fear that you'll fall on me
and break from underneath me too.
i only shake when i drive away,
when the fog replaces you.
so for every shaking second,
every reminder of mortality,
there's so much i have yet to promise you.
but the next time i see you
i'm never letting go.
you make immortality seem so overrated.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
our bed
you say you're still waiting for me in our bed
in your room
in your home
with your sheets
and your pillows
with your imprint
on the mattress
where our past goes to die
because nothing before us has ever existed
in our bed.
in your covers
in your arms
with your skin
and your warmth
with your heart
so close to my chest
that i think it's housed in my ribs
right next to mine, where it belongs.
in our bed.
in your voice
in your words
with your whispered
and your shouted
words that bring such colour
to such a dark night
where under the blankets
we hide like children
our own secret place, with each other,
in our bed.
in my chest,
in my mind,
with my legs like lead
and my body like glue
to your softest sheets and
your sweetest skin,
the hardest thing to depart from.
but my imprint in the mattress
is waiting for me every time i return.
and you say you're still waiting for me in our bed
Monday, March 23, 2009
promise.
i've never been so convinced
of always.
in the daylight,
night light,
you're my
highlight.
and this is my favourite person
i've ever claimed to be
you're the only one
that has ever really
looked at me.
and i believe every word
falling out between
both our lips
when they're not pressed
like puzzle pieces
fitting perfectly together.
and i have felt whats its like
to cry into you
and the tears go away.
you're the strongest person
that's ever held me
and you hold me like
i'm made of glass.
and to accept that this
is all we have
it's not so daunting
when your lips are
my lips'
perfect match.
and if you promise me
we'll be okay
and if you promise me
always
i'll promise you
everything.
Monday, March 16, 2009
stop being scared
I read an article about how important it is to not focus solely on maintaining independence in a relationship, but to allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person, and rely on them.
Done.
Now the article mentioned a painful past and the constant fear of being left, the constant defenses put up to ensure that they would not be so hurt when the time eventually came.
They mentioned in but they neglected to mention how to overcome that fear.
I guess it's something you're supposed to work through together.
By being open with the person about everything, even if it scares you. And allowing yourself to be stressed out for a little, just to get it off your chest, only to be calmed by the thought of who you're with.
Realizing that when they reassure you, they mean it, and they're not just being polite or trying to calm you down. They're there for you. And when they say it's only you that they want, they mean that too.
Yes, you'll still get scared. You're a girl. No matter how many spiders you've seen get crushed, you still scream like a little bitch everytime one appears.
As someone very wise and very incredible once told me, it's okay to be scared, and it's expected, but someday you'll be able to recognize that those fears are irrational.
Because he loves you. And you love him.
So stop getting worried that when he goes out and drinks, he will be dying to take some hot slutty girl home. Or that your poor health as of late will convince him that you'll never be worth the trouble.
Because now that you're reading these things out in front of you, they make you sound absolutely crazy. So just be happy he loves you.
That same stupidly wise and incredible person offers the best advice. Just be happy and in love.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
flowers
and i told you it was freezing
so you went and got my coat
and you even wore yours
so that i felt more comfortable.
and my feet were cold but dry
as you carried me home.
my hands were as cold as always
but warmed enveloped in yours.
my head was dizzy, my body weak
and you held strongly onto me
you took me home and promised
that you didn't want to go out tonight.
you reminded me that i was romantic
when i teased you for being sweet
and i found something i thought i'd lost
when you kissed me that first time.
i thought i'd buried passion long ago
in a big field with childhood dreams
and i thought i'd have to sell my soul
to buy flowers to lay on their graves.
but when you held me next to you
and kissed me so carefully on every inch
i wanted to have everyone come forward
and lay flowers over my shadow
because there's nothing dark following me
when you're carrying me home.
and I’ll never get flowers from you
because you won’t give me anything that will die
Thursday, March 12, 2009
first.
I remember the first time I fell in love.
And don't judge me on how I interpret love, because as much as I'd like to blow off any 15 year old claiming they're head over heels and all this, I was 15. And I was in a town that made kids grow up a lot faster than they should've, and I don't mean grow up as in mature. I mean grow up as in they crave more, they feel they deserve more, their views on the world get bitter too soon, and they're too desperate to feel things that are different and more adult.
But the first person I fell in love with.
He was a person I struck an instant friendship with, but we met through this weird church youth thing that was always a total whorehouse by the end of the weekend, so the sexual tension started off pretty high. We connected though, he lived hours away, we talked a lot online and it was just a really comfortable feeling.
He was someone I'd talk to my friends about, just in passing, about funny things he'd said, or a song he'd told me about. And I remember, he would say things that I would interpret as sweet, and whether or not I'd see them that way now is a total toss-up, but I heard them and I loved it. I vividly remember, and this is the most pre adolescent sounding revelation possible, but I copied and pasted one of those sweet things to my friend. She laughed and did one of those off-handed, "You're in love with him."
I remember sitting in the middle of my wood panel basement, in the computer chair, just frozen. Absolutely shell shocked. And I cried. All of a sudden, my body was frozen but I was crying, just non-stop. And I told my friend, "I am. You're right, I am." And I cried for a long time.
And I've fallen in love since then. And it had never felt like that.
I remember the first one I said I love you to was a total lie. I was just in one of those frenzies to be serious.
And then another time, he'd said it to me two days into our relationship and I'd talked it down, saying I didn't think he really knew what he meant. And then I ended up saying it weeks later when I was drunk.
And, someone told me once, and I burst into tears. And shook my head a lot. And basically had the worst reaction possible. Then later that night, caved. I don't think 40 minutes could've made that much of a difference in my mind, but I was under the impression that it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
As such, none of these times ever felt real. It was never this genuine overcoming of emotion, and realization. There was never a stand out moment when I was dumbfounded, realizing "I love this person."
Though to be fair, once I did love them, they all massacred me. So perhaps that was asked for.
The night you first told me you thought you loved me, I was yelling at you. It was almost all over in that one night, and then as soon as you stopped talking the same way, I realized I couldn't handle it.
I probably should've known.
But you have told me you loved me many times, and you've never made me feel pressured to say it back, just to catch up with you or anything.
There were times when I felt myself coming close to saying something, and then I felt like it was another situation where I was just saying it because I would feel obligated or something. So I didn't say anything. Or I'd kiss you.
I think I scared myself out of saying anything, or even acknowledging feeling anything, many times.
And then all of a sudden, I was talking to your family, and your friends, and all these people had heard about me. And I was falling over snowbanks and you were gripping onto me to make sure I didn't fall.
And then there's this huge chaotic scene around us, and there's loud music and lots of lights, and everyone's drunk but us, but it's okay.
And you kiss me, and watch me wave to my friends a section away, and we both pretend to not hear each other sing along, as that would probably permanently damage our feelings for each other.
And then I was looking at you, and I wasn't denying it anymore. I wasn't forcing my mind to stop, and to think about something else. I was looking at you and it was there.
It was just a long time of not knowing what to say. Actually, I knew exactly what to say, but it was a lot of my mouth opening and nothing happening.
We were walking home, and you were carrying me over all the really big puddles. And I was really cold and you were holding my hands.
Then we were in my house, and you were leaving in minutes and kissing me, and telling me you loved me and my mouth worked.
I said the same thing you said when you first let the words out. I tried to restrict it by saying I think.
It didn't work.
And then it was there, I was crying, just crying a lot, and telling you how scared I was, and you were a frenzy, you were wiping tears off and saying you'd never hurt me. And you looked so happy, and everything felt so good.
And I couldn't stop crying, but I kept saying it. I kept saying it until it wasn't scary to say it anymore.
It was that emotional awestruck feeling, and it felt like it was the very first time I'd ever fallen in love.
It's like the same feeling, but completely new. And there's this beautiful happiness just guaranteed with it, along with the fear and the vulnerability of the first time. The happiness comes with knowing that I can be vulnerable with you.
I've always wanted to fall in love for the first time.
Monday, March 9, 2009
like a flower.
move your body
try to be a dancer
contort and twist
for every answer
let your thighs
speak in volumes
give a peek
strip your costume
twist and bend
bend and break
break and let
him overtake.
you're a girl
he's a boy
knives are sharp
and they're not toys.
shut your mouth
make yourself small
the silent are most
desired of all.
twist and bend
bend and break
break your body
for his sake.
crying only
makes you weak
strip your costume
for a peek.
gain your ground
by standing still
contort and twist
give him his fill.
twist and bend
bend and break
break the rules
and you're at stake.
and i will shrink
like a flower
in the winter's
coldest hour.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
i don't want to be alone with me.
your words make my lips quiver
jealous they didn't speak them
your eyes fall to unsteady lips
and with your mouth you keep them.
in your hands a promise lies
to not let us grow old.
i like when you kiss me
because only then am i not cold.
your heart's boiling over
and your lips have a third degree burn
my ear's adorned with bandages
there's a lot that i have learned.
my throat hurts from nearly bursting
from all the things i can't say
stand me in the middle of the sea
for i'm already swept away.
you're a man, i'm a peacock
but we're birds of the same feather.
there's lots of things to drown in
my dear, forget the weather.
i feel something in me beat again
and i'll wear it on my sleeve
even if the wind picks up outside
i hope you don't have to leave.
because without you, i return
to a constant, incessant shivering
and i don't know if my mouth moves
without my lips quivering.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
weightless
there was a lot less left of me when you left.
i poured everything i had into what we could be, and i did everything possible to be perfect.
and i wasn't enough for you.
i didn't fit into your schedule and i didn't even make it to the top five as far as your priorities were concerned.
and there was a time when you tried. when i meant a whole lot to you, and i was still nervous about all this, and you were proving to me that you were worth taking a chance on.
there isn't much in this world that isn't worth taking a chance on. whether it turns out the way you wanted to or not.
i don't think you ever once defended me. i don't think you were proud enough to consider me worthy of defense.
i was something that came along when you had time for it. something that relieved your stress for awhile and then left. and i was willing to do it. because i cared for you.
i got physically sick worrying about you. i couldn't eat when you were at your worst because i was so full of anxiety that i couldn't stomach anything else. and i never told you that, because the last thing i wanted to do was make you feel guilty or stress you out more.
you could've used that sometimes though. you really did need me to tell you that you were being awful sometimes. before it got to the point that i was so walked over, and so last priority, that i didn't know what, if anything, i was worth.
i'd told you things i'd never told other people before because i wanted you to know me completely.
and it makes sense that i would be left insecure by all this. because when you try and give yourself completely to someone, and you still aren't worth it to them, it's hard to believe you ever will be.
and the true romantic at heart inside of me is still recovering. you pretty much sent her into intensive care, she wasn't doing too well for a long time. i was aching for my hope in people to be renewed. i didn't know how much i trusted anyone.
do you have any idea how it feels to be with someone that makes you feel like you're everything to them, and that they would do anything for you? well, of course you do. but i've never known this before.
you. the new feeling, the renewal.
the patience, you're taking your time with me, you know how terrified and insecure i am. you're relieving it more and more every day by being so perfect.
and i know this cynical horrible person standing in for the true romantic while she's on sick leave has been in control of me for far too long. because i feel this, and i'm not going to let fear or doubts or some dreadful past experience interrupt this.
you greet me everytime you see me with genuine happiness and excitement. you pick me up and spin me and i've never felt for a second that you would lose your grip. that weightless feeling stays with me so much longer than you know.
weightless is the perfect word for it, because i'm through being pulled down by gravity and all these heavy things, all these things desperate to keep both my feet planted on the ground.
you had me swept off my feet before they even had a chance.
and i could cry because it's this relief, this perfect answer to my questioning the goodness inside of people. it's you.
i can believe in things again, i can give in to how i feel, i can fall in love again and this time, i won't be worried about how you think of my past or how you think i look without make up or anything idiotic like that.
i can be sick and pasty and wearing a t-shirt a good 7 sizes too big for me. and everytime you see me, it's like that greeting again, that same excitement just to be near, that weightless feeling.
and if i'm scared, it's okay. you get through the fear because it's hard, and nothing worth having comes easy.
you didn't come easy sweetheart. i got emotionally destroyed so many times for having faith in people, and you are fantastic at showing me it was all worth it.
you've been devoted to me since our first real talk. and i believe that you'll stay that way.
it's beautiful to feel again.
Listen To: Regina Spektor - Fidelity
Monday, March 2, 2009
happily married.
he sits on an ironic loveseat
she sits on the arm of the armchair
and her foot taps against the side
it taps and taps and taps
the ice clinks in his glass
"would you like some soda?"
her voice is all resigned sigh
he shakes his head and sips
liquor potent on his lips
her tapping is more potent
her hands cross at her hips
he takes up the whole loveseat
just him, the man, and his glass,
and some room for the chip on his shoulder.
the mark of lipstick moves
in place of where her mouth once was
lipstick came in to replace him
it brings a little more colour to her face
and it certainly outlasts him.
she wonders why he needs the whole loveseat
perhaps he's pretending someone else is there
like last night and the night before
she twitches, anxious at the thought,
her foot taps and taps against the side
releasing the thoughts she tries to hide
there's breaths sharper than normal
he exhales loudly like he's about to rise
he cannot stand, she cannot fall
hands shake as she stands for him
she brings the biggest bottle over
and rather than just pour him another
she places it in front of him on the table
he looks at her and begins to think
perhaps he'll will her to be someone else
her lipstick quivers like she can read his mind
and she pours the amber liquid.
she sits back down hard on the arm of the armchair
questioning why she should bother to serve him
when she clearly doesn't match up to competition
he takes a long swig and makes a decision
her chest hurts from reminding herself not to kiss him.
his eyes glaze over and he feels content
she's rubbing her back where her spine should have been
"why do you perch there, what do you want"
it comes out less like a question, and more like a taunt
and if her smile had a tone
it would be sarcastic
as she shakes her head and lights a cigarette
he lets the glass drop onto the floor and shatter
and he stretches across his claimed loveseat.
she leaves the room and does not return to clean
she sits in the hallway outside and taps her feet
waiting for him to rise in the morning and step on the glass.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
calm yourself.
in a mall parking lot,
with two parked cars
in bed at night,
between wrinkled sheets
my phone vibrates,
keeps me from sleep
with this, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
in the middle of the hall,
with wine on my lips,
in a single small bed,
with your arm on my hip.
without your hand,
it gets harder to sleep.
with time, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
while i am a dandelion,
that you have blown away,
and while you got your wish,
i'll try to grant it every day,
there's something soothing about
thinking of you before i sleep.
with words, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
so come lay with me,
we can lay anywhere,
with my head on your chest,
and your hand in my hair.
you kiss the top of my head
as i drift off to sleep.
with you, i am okay.
with you, i am okay.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
oh dear.
i've been listening to the same bass riff
for a good 2 years now
maybe it's gotten better
but you've only gotten worse.
well it's nice to see you sleep away
while i go off to work each day
and it's nice to see you take up space
just so efficiently.
and please, my dear, don't get up,
i wouldn't want you to knock over
that little tin that hides so well
the reason why your eyes are red
and the reason why you giggle
though if you do that goddamn giggle
one more time then i swear
i will remove your adams apple with a pen
a pen that you think is usedt
o write such eloquent verse
they're shit, my dear, pure shit.
much like the fall out boy soundtrack
you have always on repeat.
the great thing is that i can recycle
all my cd's from the 8th grade
on your awful sense of self righteousness.
and while i'm sick and in pain,
could you start that riff again?
because i'd love to just hear you play
feverently, i'm hoping a string snaps
then tie that string into an elastic
to hold your hair back when you get sick
that should come very shortly
right after you get a look at yourself.
could you leave the car smelling of smoke?
could you leave yourself any more of a joke?
a joke of a success story
repeating what you said killed you before
well my dear, can you guess what's in store?
i can't promise that i'll see you so much
just as time goes on and i get busy
i've got school to actually attend, and you,
you will probably end up in prison.
if it makes you feel any better,
i don't think you belong there, no.
you'd be a great janitor.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
we are but mist.
if i could leave my body for a night
i would go so far.
i'd watch my frame fall, soulless,
to the ground and i'd sway.
but i'd float away.
i'd let wind grip me
i'd lay close to the ground
look down upon nothing
but those who look down.
i'd drift near those who've been gone
for far far too long
i'd overflow with joy
since all my barriers were forgotten
it would be an overdue reunion
we could not embrace
because we are but mist
but their presence is so just
that we are okay as we are.
we will float around those we love
make sure that they are all right
we can not embrace them
because we are but mist
but it is beautiful to see them live
we watched your brother laugh
and the sun got brighter
we drifted by our very best friends
kissed the air near their faces
they laughed and we saw her nose twitch
we knew she'd felt us there
your mother was saying a prayer
we sat beside her as she murmured
and you had a look on your face
that i knew you used to watch over her daily
she left the room with a candle on
and we blew it out as we left.
we floated on clouds listlessly
and traced our names in the sky
and carefully you showed me how
to slide through the rain
we found the rainbow and began again
and smiling we found ourselves
reminiscing of being alive together.
do you remember when we walked together.
we used to walk together nearly every day.
i know you remember
your foggy eyes mist up a bit more
your smoky outline nods again
there is a smile that sparks somewhere there
because i see the sun get brighter
and we agree that i have been out for awhile
you say i shouldn't waste a beautiful soul
by keeping it away from home for so long.
you have such a beautiful soul.
but you are right about going home.
i say goodbye and my body feels heavy
i know you're still not far
i always wrap my arms around myself
when it's misty out.
Monday, February 16, 2009
to fall
falling for someone is so goddamn cliche. it's actually embarrassing.
as i am an expert in hypocrisy, of course, i am going to explore this cliche further.
it's always frightening, there's always one moment where you realize you're at risk to lose that one thing, and you panic. that panic is something you should probably get used to. you'll be feeling watered down and dialed up versions of that for awhile after, should the thing work out. it is hard to stifle that feeling of "am i going to lose this person". you turn on yourself, and begin measuring out all that you do that could influence them to just take off. you can quite possibly become a wreck. it's very easy to do.
amidst the wreckage, it's a very beautiful feeling.
it's like when you're half asleep and dreaming that you're walking and you trip. your feet kick forward, trying to catch your balance and you wake up with your heart beating a little faster and realize you're in bed.
it's that terrifying few seconds where you're probably about to eat pavement. it's your body and mind rushing forward to try and protect you and keep you safe. it's your heart racing because you're scared, so so scared, and then you realize that there's nothing to be scared of. and that at least your heart is beating. really, you're ending up somewhere as safe and comforting as you could hope for.
it's all that you could hope for when you fall for someone, that even after the fear, the defense mechanisms, and the catching of your breath, that they'll still be able to keep you warm.
so stop imagining scenarios where you'll lose them, and stop second guessing everything you do.
just fall back asleep.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
abc shuffle
i started out just trying to incorporate band names, alphabetically, for fun.
i don't really know what it is now
a young boy runs down the street
crying out in pain and anguish
crying out for hope
his voice echoes through montreal
his hands are singed
joysticks once fit in them
the arcade has caught fire.
he falls forward into a snowbank
soothing his hands with cold
there is a man sick with loneliness
and a blanket is his home
he pats the boy on the back
his voice is coated thick in french
he says that it is a good winter
"c'est un bon 'iver".
the snow soothes the skin
and his mind flashes fast
to memories of days before
ice ponds and snowball fights
it was the day to end all days
they were cold, they were at play.
and by the time the day was done
they laid about on the ground
just children, gripping tightly
to the brink of something more
their coats were filthy, faces clean
their mothers shook their heads
such dirty pretty things they were
and they wished they could go back.
back to lying on their spines
watching eagles fly over their heads.
but now it's back to almost grown
and almost kissed in the school yard
it was more talk than it was done
whose lips were the more flaming
his remained mostly unused
those who proved rumours true
well he could probably guess who
he comes to, his hands burning
from being enveloped with letters of snow
the man is gone, there's no smoke around
all he hears is the hush sound.
he sits in the street, shockingly empty
for a town of such magnitude
he feels like islands in the sea
that used to be a full city
he is his own journey, in his atlantis
his mother always warned him to come home
the kooks will be out at all hours in this city
especially late at night
but with his sanctuary in ashes
he stands taller than all
the last shadow puppets dance on the wall.
he is brave enough to stay as flurries fall
upon this chilly city
he whispers to the buildings that new clouds
will bring their morning jackets
and there is no doubt that he
will be the king of the streets tonight
the king of montreal.
he can hear sirens echo so far away
that he can imagine they're somewhere else
for this city is his, and the police
have no jurisdiction for imagination.
no need for queen, for almost kissing
he will rule alone and quite greedily
he wants to wear both crowns, he thinks.
the roots of the boy are deep below
the streets his trunk strides upon
it is beautiful, natural and violent
a savage garden beneath the snow
the boy is the flower, the others don't know.
he just wants to hear music now
streaming through the empty alleys
wants to hear voices, thought he heard a tv
on the radio, his favourite song plays
but he's too far below to hear a word
the man has returned, far too suddenly
"You scared me!" he exclaimed
"and you too" the boy stammered.
the vines of evil are crawling up
the walls of this nighttime kingdom.
wallflowers bloom during the night
and that man had laid against bricks all day
yes, the boy was found the next day
his dreams of being king dreamt far away
the man in the alley was dragged so far
"i'd just been trying to keep him warm
he froze to death in those damn snowbanks
kept saying he was king tonight
beat everyone amidst the games and flames"
and the last detective
shook his head at the sight of the young boy
his hands burnt black from the arcade fire.
what a cold night to go.
Monday, February 9, 2009
insatiable.
"i'm afraid i might be insatiable"
and her lower lip trembles
he can't help but doubt the word
and its existance
he's sure anyone could be satiated
by stopping that lip with theirs
and no matter how she insists
and whispers about it being unwise
he can only softly sigh
oh, to leave her satisfied.
and her eyes moisten
he just wants to close them
he wants to feel her sigh
feel her ribs grow with every breath
and with each breath in his ear
feel the skin raise under his fingertips
she shakes her head
he can hear every word
slipping through her lips
between the words she actually speaks.
he reaches forward, envelopes her
trying to silence her enough
so that she can hear
everything her body's saying.
and when she pulls away
her eyes are crying out to him
the tear is mightier than the sword
he can feel her ribs raise dramatically
his lips upon hers before she can exhale
a breath is too long to wait
she can whisper her warnings all she likes
she is his for now.
insatiability be damned.
stuff drunk white girls like.
blatant rip off of stuff white people like. i'm okay with it.
i'm aware that tons of these apply to me, as i'm a frequently drunk white girl. also okay with it.
1. Energy drink and alcohol combinations.
If you go to a club, or to almost any high school party, you are guaranteed to see a large group of girls in multi coloured leggings downing their 4 packs of Rev or Mojo. Many also resort to Red Bull mixes, and Tab, the bright pink energy drink that Coke cancelled awhile back, was so delish with raspberry vodka that there was always at least one per group of gathered drunk chicks. The bottles are adorable and colourful and the caffeine keeps them going long after their one and a half drink cut off stage.
2. Power songs.
As Amy Winehouse proved for us, drunk white girls can sing. They all think they're Wino when the shots are gone, so when the iPod on shuffle finally hits a Spice Girls song or something of the like, expect a group of ladies to scream out in excitement and start dancing and singing to each other. While they may decline karaoke a whole lot, we have no problem belting out every lyric to the latest Britney song while sprawled on someone's kitchen counter. If you're looking to pick up a drunk white chick, turn on Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" and emphasize with her yelling of "THIS IS SO SO TRUE, THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE" between her belting out the chorus.
3. Grinding.
As much as they will bitch that "That guy was all over me" and claim they just want to go and dance the night away with their friends, expect a drunk white girl's night to be completely ruin if no one attempts to grind on them. Any nearby male becomes a complete prop to what they consider exceptional dance moves, and the males usually withhold complaints. You will often see the drunk white girls grinding on each other, a lot more explicitly than they do with the guys, because it is only slutty if you do it with the opposite sex.
4. Kissing other drunk white girls.
The drunk girl principle of it only being slutty if you do it with the opposite sex applies yet again here. It will be only a clear expression of love for their "BEST FRIEND, like BEST in the whole world" and nothing even approaching lesbianism. Expect to hear many jokes involving the lyrics to 'I Kissed A Girl' and then requesting it repeatedly to emphasize how important that moment really was.
5. Being one-woman paparazzi shows.
The morning after for a drunk white girl is almost always a hazy, crazy mess, and the events of the previous night are only brought back into clear light by the absolutely necessary tradition of reviewing the pictures. Drunk white girls will corner you and take a picture with you, although if they are holding it, the aim is usually off, and they will laugh hysterically about it. If you go to a club, expect flashes more frequent than any strobe light.
6. Hating any picture taken of themselves.
After posing with their leg wrapped around the shoulder of their best friend for what is sure in their mind to be the sexiest picture ever, the drunk white girl will reach eagerly for their camera to see the picture and exclaim, with much shock, "Oh my God, I look like a WHORE." At a party, you will be approached to take a picture of a drunk lady and anyone nearby and you will be blamed for how horrid the picture is. "RETAKE" is often yelled more times than can be counted, and trips to the bathroom to fix up their "DISGUSTING face"s are immediately needed.
7. McDonald's.
At the peak of their drunkness or at the end of the night, the white girl may feel the need to balance out the liquor in her system with the greasiest meal she can get her hands on. This always results in them hunting down any nearby designated driver and begging, bribing and coaxing them until they give in and take them out for a double cheeseburger. It will be the best thing they have ever eaten, and they will exclaim this several times, before getting ill or bitching for an hour about how fat it's going to make them. Expect the "I'm actually so fat"/"I'm going to be so fat from all this" comments to start right about two packages of McChicken sauce in.
8. Kicking off their shoes.
No matter how sexy the heels are, or how well they go with their outfit, as soon as a drunk white girl reaches a club, those bitches bring the most excruciating pain they've ever experienced and they need to get off their feet immediately. One of the most common sightings of a drunk white girl takes place on the dancefloor, with a pile of stilettos in the middle of a ring of girls in a similar state. This barefoot idea will often result in them being stepped on by a "BITCH" still in heels and sometimes is the inciting factor in a girl fight.
9. False friendships.
You may be very close to a drunk white girl, or perhaps even be one, so you all know that there are certain girls they do not like, and often speak ill of. This will all change as soon as they have about two or three Vex in them. That one unspeakably awful girl, will suddenly be their very best friend in the world, usually brought on by a compliment such as "I love your belt" or "Hot shoes!" They will then proceed to have a drunken photoshoot, all the pictures will be deemed "so gross", and they will have an intense nine minute bonding sesh, in which the phrases "I thought you hated me!", "No, oh my God, I don't hate anyone!" are guaranteed to be uttered. The friendship will sustain itself only by the occasional Facebook picture comment, or the next drunken reunion.
10. Judging.
Whether it be during an end of the night Facebook creep, or in the midst of a club visit, drunk white girls will find any and every flaw on another drunk white girl that they don't know, and therefore don't like. Some are worse than others, but if there is a girl in a strappy minidress and high heels, prepare for a verbal lashing about the fatness of her thighs or how unsightly her shoes are. Of course, if this is at a party, they will eventually approach the girl with a "LOVE your dress!" or something of the like. An important fact to note about drunk white girls is that we are bitches, all of us.
11. Losing things.
No matter how much you remind a drunk white girl that her phone is tucked into her bra, or that her purse is upstairs in the host's room, there will always be countless panic stricken moments in which she will be convinced she lost one of her most prized possessions forever. "GUYS I seriously can't find my camera, I actually just had it on the table!" The drunk white girl will then begin to accuse people of stealing, no one specific of course, but the whole party will become suspect. Because, as I'm sure you'll all agree, it is much more likely that someone swiped their suitcase-sized purse rather than them just misplacing it. In fact, one of the easiest ways for a sleazy guy to pick up a drunk white chick is to retrieve the lost or "stolen" object for them, which will result in a "OH MY GOD thank you so much, you're actually so nice, you actually just saved my LIFE." You are crossing the line if you steal something just to give it back to her though. Too sleazy. Because..
12. Being easy.
Whether it be the guy who returned their lost phone, the guy who got them McDonald's, the one who danced with them while yelling how beautiful they looked during an Akon song, or the one who held their hair back while they got violently ill, a drunk white girl at her peak of inebriation can often believe that there is only one way to repay a kind man. And those kind men know this. So all drunk white girls have an unspoken code to try and protect each other from sleazy guys, though this often does not pan out as well as hoped
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
drama.
picture a scene from an old movie
picture the most glamorous set
a heroine so beautiful
that the background music
sounds like weeping
she moves perfectly in time
to the violin tears
her long beautiful gown
floating softly with her steps
and the hero steps forwards
as dashing as he's ever been
he rushes towards her
you've not a doubt in your mind
that he loves her passionately
and is set out to prove it
with his very next line.
and he speaks words so sweetly
ivory keys cry out softly
he draws her so close and
brushes her hair out of her face
in waves, like the ivory tears,
down in gentle waves.
as the shot grows much closer
you can see the hero's eyes
tearing up slightly as he whispers
and all of a sudden it changes
the atmosphere it changes
as the shot grows closer you see his eyes
and for the first time you see the hero
and you see that he is acting.
he continues to recite his lines convincingly
so very much so that your heart catches
and you grow sickeningly nervous
hoping that the poor heroine is an actress too
please let her be in on this
as your view shifts to the heroine
you see she is no actress
but she is certainly no idiot
and she can see the cue cards on his mind
she says "i am no juliet, and this is no stage.
i'm much less naive and much more of age.
you have no idea the things you speak of,
and it hurts my feet walking these tightropes."
shocked by something so unscripted,
he tries once more to draw her near.
she shakes her head, her eyes tear up,
and the camera shakes,
the violin weeps,
she's beautiful sad,
but she looks so weak.
she whispers, "i am not your heroine."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
nothing but
it's nothing but the softest voice
trailing into your mind
like the sweetest aroma
floating on a breeze
i'm sure it tastes lovely
but i can't very well reach it.
it's a wisp of something
could've been something big
i'm sure that we could've.
it's nothing but a paint brush
broken mid stroke
by something that startled
the focused artist.
it could've been a masterpiece
but anything could've been
and that, my dear,
is nothing to think much of.
nothing but sand sliding through palms
sand that could've created
the most intricate castle seen
sand that could've cushioned
two lovers one late summer night.
could've, would've, should've.
it still will, don't you see.
it still can.
you needn't complicate everything
calculating averages
weighing out failures
a beautiful accomplishment
it will never satisfy you.
and that is what i find most sad
you're the most sad of all.
if i'm never living as rich
if i'm never living as well
at least i'm living.
what a sickening sight
to see someone corrupted
before they're even legal.
you are too stubborn to be saved
it is a relief to be freed
from shackles that got you nowhere
and kept me from going anywhere.
i would pray for you
if either of us believed in something greater
i, in something greater than we know,
you, in something greater than yourself.
this desire to be so mature stunts you
you're a baby
playing dress up
and those clothes will never fit you.
it makes me weep
to think that i tried so hard
on something so immoveable
it makes me weep
to think there is something so immoveable.
so you think in should've
and i will think in will.
you think in could've
and i think in can.
the scariest thing of all
is i'm sure you would've broken me
in no time.
Friday, January 23, 2009
january is no excuse.
don't be so cold just cuz it's january
the break in your image is really quite scary
are you really as amazing as you like to say
we can sit and drink wine in the cold
while you make me feel two years old
the wine is sweeter than you ever were anyway
now the wine we have is rather bitter
but it works doesn't it, and i'm no quitter
it's all about what you think you owe yourself
your position is that of one trying too hard
you took a lovely girl and you left her marred
you seem to forget what you owe someone else
the snow is deep but you make me walk first
you act relaxed, but your lips remain pursed
they were never that soft and never that sweet
you used to say lovely things about mine
when you still cared, it's been a long time
and you still stand proud like you can't be beat
i used to have to ask if i could kiss you
did you hold back like it'd make me miss you
it only left me feeling unwanted and so alone
sandpaper was more tender than your words
you said harsh things quiet but you know i heard
you never sounded happy when on the phone.
my hands are only cold cuz you stole my mittens
you were never warm even when you were smitten
my fingers lose circulation, and i will miss them.
i grew tired of you saying that you never got sick
your immunity wore on me rather quick
it was thrilling to see a cold bring down your system.
you'd patronize me in ways i'll never need
quoting all those books that you'll never read
you'll find i'm happiest when between two pages.
and when you'd mess up a quote i'd smile
because inflated marks won't help your trial
we know i'm smarter, just act for those stages.
i don't need money where i'll end up anyhow
i'm an eligible candidate by all standards now
is it sad that people fall a little harder for me than you?
you'll find i've learned not to overexert
thank you for teaching me how to hurt
when you're finally ready to talk, i doubt you'll talk true
maybe a handsome man from the STU campus
will take me far away and quote the romantics
and we'll live where it's warm and pleasant all of the year
maybe a man who knows all that makes me weak
won't use it against me, but just let me softly speak
i know the idea must shock you, but it happens dear.
the saddest part of all is that through this season
i lead the way through blizzards, with you as the reason
i never realized i wasn't following you the whole way.
so when you finally left me standing knee deep in snow
it stung worse than the cold, but its comforting to know
i was alone this whole time, so i can't lead myself astray.
perhaps i'll see you on the other side of the spring
you can let me know if this taught you anything
don't fake your concern, i'll thaw out in a month's time.
i was never bad to you, and i've got plenty to give
i will feel things again, yes don't worry, i'll live
all i need is a hand to hold and a bottle of wine.
fallen from the sky
i want an accent as thick as the sea
and i want him to wash over me
i want eyes that cloud over less
so please meet me in the wilderness
i want someone that cradles me
without getting so choppy
the waves can be gentle, rest easy
show me what i need to see
i want green pastures, better days
pleasant weather around always
a piece of land no one's been before
show me it was meant for me and no more
be fresh and sweet, be my creek
the top, the mountain, i need to peak
and when i tumble through the grass
patches of clovers slow me down fast
i want something pure and new
i want to create something in you
natural, never fading, sometimes scary
unrealistic won't be in our vocabulary
when i sleep, whisper in my ear
the sweetest thing i'll never hear
dream with me things you don't believe
and i'll lay hanging off your sleeve
show me something i don't already know
so i can't be scared of where it will go
i'll breath air from every corner of the earth
all the oceans can't quench my thirst
there's no need to stop or to slow down
i can see others caving in all around
i have forgotten all reasons why
i want to feel like i'm falling from the sky
Saturday, January 17, 2009
the police are stuck in my head.
i've never felt so alone in my life.
there's all these people coming after me, and suddenly i'm able to do all these things, and i should feel free and i should feel excited, and all i feel is scared.
and i'd like to make myself feel better, but nearly every way i thought i could do that would be letting someone down. and i am so tired of being a letdown.
i don't think people realize that i am legitimately just not that big a deal. i'm not letting you down because i'm acting foolish, i'm letting you down because i'm being myself and even with my whole and complete heart into something, it isn't good enough.
i want to go to western and restart everything but i'm too big a baby. i can't be too far away from these people, even though i'm going to just disappoint them anyway.
i am chained to my own inescapable failure.
i know i'm not ugly, i know i'm not fat, i know i'm not stupid, i know i'm not a lot of the negative things i feel sometime. but everytime i feel happy with myself, someone is the exact opposite with me.
i feel things and i go with it. i want to kiss someone, and that's wrong. i want to go crazy, and that's wrong. i want to say stop, but that's wrong. i want to actually drink and drink and drink, but i don't think i can find anyone who really likes me enough right now to do it with me. and if they knew why i wanted to get so drunk, they wouldn't want me to anyways.
you were right, i am a carwreck.
an empty carwreck.
a car that didn't have the emergency brake on and just went backwards, out of the driveway and into the ditch across the street.
a destructive waste of money brought on by pure carelessness.
if you want to be close to me at all, wear your fucking seatbelt.
i'm appalling.
stop laying claim on my skin
calling it your porcelain
porcelain dolls will break apart
and i belong in pieces
pass them out to all my friends
past lovers and family
teachers and authors and songs
that made me feel things
take my bones and fashion them
into something worthwhile
make my ribs a xylophone
and play them for young children
take every piece of my mouth
to make someone smile
it was never a smile worth much
when hanging off this face
pick me out from the ditch
and turn off the ignition
it takes two people to make an accident
and i have millions within me
a beautiful mind and a beautiful kind
of destruction taking place
mushroom cloud irises
and horrific heartbeats as aftershock
if this was a holocaust
it's been very poorly cast
unless i am watching the boat go
with all the worthwhile people
and being warm despite the cold water
because the dock is burning
lips are dry from dust, it's okay
they would've been overused anyways
shoot the spotlight and let it fall
it was going to crush you anyhow
so work until you can't anymore
laugh until everyone knows it's fake
this is a step in the right direction
after embodying the wrong path
you cheap diluted version of you
you'll get along with the others better.
feel things but don't follow them
yes, something's gonna change your world
there's no need to fear what you feel now
just let the fucking dock burn.
Monday, January 12, 2009
time awaits
burnt words and broken cliches
i say go, and come what may
take your first steps in reverse
salt to quench your thirst
nothing felt and nothing gained
sweet relief returns again
the bliss of learning nothing new
cracking mirrors to not see you
revert back to good old days
we'd all hoped it was just a phase
nothing escapes your pastel dreams
she's never as nice as she seems
never as bright or full of sun
never as good as anyone
i'll pretend and you make believe
i say stay and it's time to leave
don't forget your shoes at the door
feel that stinging feeling once more
take your time, break your wrist
the watch falls from your fingertips
the minutes run into your veins
falling upwards, mirror rain
go backwards until you reach
the moment where she tried to teach
you what you had to find within
feel the hours beneath your skin
make a choice and if it's wrong
bandage your wrist, feel strong
sunsets rise and sleep in her
so bask in it and cause a stir
she's only scared of when and where
who and why don't merit a care
so turn the hour glass one more time
hold your wrist, repeat a rhyme
there's never an opportunity missed
always lips that could still be kissed
give in and hold your breath until
his rocks bounce off your window sill
an answer isn't required just yet
let him hold your wrist, and don't forget.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
oh the jazz age.
i watched the gatsby movie, it just finished moments ago, and to see that beautiful story played out in front of me with faces i'd envisioned almost perfectly, it was amazing. it's strange to love a story so much that you're moved by any aspect of it, just seeing it move around it front of you like you'd always imagined it.
i want to go to parties where they are tents and big bands playing around a huge fountain which lays in the backyard of the most gargantuan house, the most beautiful lavish house. i want to wear sparkling gowns and have my hair curled and wave feathered fans and drink illegal liquor. now as i'm only 18 in this day and age, all liquor i drink is illegal, at least in new brunswick, but i mean prohibition illegal. i want to be there, kicking my legs wildly as i dance, and celebrating a war that is over, and speaking eloquently, while bright white curtains hung off all my open windows.
i want to live glamorously, have someone love me for years and never forget about me. be able to forgive someone who did forget about me because there is still a love so strong between us, i just want to live in this era, in these stories, with smudged eyeliner and frail bodies draped in pearls. i want to be swept off my feet and i want to drive giant yellow cars and vacation on the french riviera.
i want someone to love me so strongly, as strongly as i feel for once. so strongly that it's okay to get married when you're 18 because it's this dramatic non fading love, this beautiful ever lasting thing. and it's not like today where people assume you're pregnant or throwing your life away, because they lived lives so full of everything that they could just be in love and appreciate everything they experienced with each other.
sometimes i think i'm zelda fitzgerald. crazy as can be, full of passion, enough of both to drive someone who loved her completely out of their mind. i can do that, that's for sure. i wish i could inspire art. but i'd have to be much more horrid and ruin a beautiful man for the sake of a story.
but for what the story's done to just me alone, it's quite spectacular. i wonder if mr. fitzgerald would see it as being worth all the hassle, just to inspire someone so much, to make someone desire something so big and beautiful and hopeful. to want to reembody gatsby's unmistakable hope. and nicole diver's never ceasing passion and love.
it's all an old fashioned idea i suppose.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
stuffed animal kingdom.
beautiful like a stained glass window
the first time you walked into church
when the thought of god still scared you
and the ceilings left you in awe.
when you wore dresses on sundays
and as much as you could in the week
and you would pretend to be a princess
with a stuffed animal kingdom
beautiful like the innocence of a bath
a blank slate of a body in bubbles
not recognizing or knowing the purpose
of anything within you.
laughing at faces that seem uncontrolled
holding hands eagerly, no lack of trust
the openness, eagerness, happiness
the beauty of something so pure.
to dedicate a whole day on the seaside
an architectural wonder of buckets and shovels
making the castle you'll someday live inside
not caring or knowing what the waves wash away
the fear of doing something wrong
and being punished by sitting alone
the omniscience of parents couldn't be broken
they could protect you from anything
the delight in a dessert of any kind
rather than guilt or shame following it
the feeling of being messy and dirty
and never having been more proud.
falling asleep with an early bedtime
and a bed time story that always starred you
the dreams that opened wide from it
the perfection of a young imagination
beautiful like the little girl still inside you
if only you should give in and just hope
as you sit in your princess costume
ruling over a stuffed animal kingdom.