i'm so depressing.

05/26/2009

i haven't cried for awhile.
i get so weak sometimes it's actually ridiculous.
i feel like i have a certain amount of confidence per day and if i use up too much of it, i can't apply it to anything else.
i'll get a fucking incredible role, and that's fantastic.
i'm exhausted and i just want to stay up and talk to you.
i'm so scared for when you stop trying.
i just want my favourite fucking book back.
i want to not feel left out.
or inadequate.
are you attracted to me
i wouldn't be.
i don't get why my mind twists every thing, even a nice thing, into something that gets to me in the worst possible way.
i'm going to drive you away and it's the most inevitable thing.
i'm trying to push it away for as long as i can.
i can't imagine anyone wanting to be with someone like this forever.

i'm just as capable as all those other girls who auditioned.
they have more experience i'm sure. they may seem more talented now, i know.
but i will give my fucking all.

you know what i'm talking about.

beautiful bride.

05/19/2009

it's raining out
and that's quite all right
i'll be here till the
morning light
take my hand
promise your life
next to me
i'll be your wife

if you need a break
then i can provide
my dear, i'll be
a beautiful bride
and i'll lock the doors
if you hate the outside
i promise i'll be
a beautiful bride.

time lapses slowly
i prefer it so
i get so depressed
everytime you go
here's my hand
keep me on the right track
you tell me don't worry
you'll always me back

for you, i'll do all
i'll hold back the tide
my dear, i'll be
a beautiful bride
if it's all too much
with me you'll hide
i promise i'll be
a beautiful bride

when you kiss me
i'm in pieces
and from its binds
my soul releases
i strive to make
you feel this way
for as long as i can
for every day.

so come to me
yes, let's collide
my dear, i'll be
your beautiful bride
hold me tighter
let's never divide
i promise i'll be
your beautiful bride.

mixed messages

05/13/2009

your eyes have never looked so fine
as when you tell me i look divine
so look up from the floor, keep me in line
how can i keep up when you're crazy all the time
your hair is as wild as the thoughts you make
in my head, they don't seem hard to take
when you cry i know i am a mistake
promise me you'll never be like them, so fake.

you're a fragile thing and i love you for that,
why do you start to speak then take it back?
your tears look painted onto your skin,
don't play this sweetheart, you'll never win.

my dear, i am trying to be all i can,
i'm the bottom of the barrel for such a man,
take my word, and believe that it's sound,
if i fall short once more, i'll burn to the ground.

your lips can say things i feel in my bones ,
you fill me with things that i've never known.
the rest when they speak, it's a dial tone,
if i'm not with you, then i'll be alone.
i listen to everything you say so clear,
and your criticism always rings sincere.
i respect what you tell me though it's hard to hear,
you're so hard to take sometimes, my dear.

she's so beautiful and i want her to see,
my words come out twisted and hurt so deeply.
i've never intended pain on something so sweet.
i wonder what she thinks when we fall asleep.

so my dear, my dear, it's clear, i know
i don't compare, i've nothing left to show
i know i can't keep you, don't deny so,
just promise you'll wake me before you go.

scared

05/09/2009

i'm pretty tired of the bad dreams.
and of snapping at everyone because i'm tired and stressed.
and scared.
i'm scared of hating who i am
because i can't handle who you are
and i'm becoming such a mess
that i don't know why anyone is around me
and then i get scared that pretty soon
there won't be anyone around me.
i feel like i'm losing my support system
i feel like i'm losing a friend
if we haven't talked for a few days
i'm paranoid that everyone hates me
or will.
i'm scared that i'm driving him away
with being so stressed and worried
and paranoid and jealous
it's ironic
i'm so sure he'll leave me
that it might frustrate him to the point
of leaving me.
i don't want to be that girl.
i just want to live and have all the people i love
but i'm afraid that they won't want a thing to do with me
i would stay up so late talking to you
about music and boys and feelings
and i haven't talked to you for days
i'm scared you're angry
and that you'll be gone
i'm just so scared all the time
i want to let it all go.
i want to be happy.
i have every reason to be happy.
stop being insecure
stop trying to be better
enjoy who you are
enjoy what you have
be happy
look at these people
be happy
stop being scared
be happy.



your perfect curls
the way you touch my shoulders
you massage me when i'm sore
and let me sleep on you
when i'm tired.
don't leave.

halfmoon

05/02/2009

there was a half moon in the sky
the night that you left.
it makes me sad to think such a thing
could be anything but full.
just drawing light towards all things
that are beautiful in the night.
just guiding those who are lost
safely back to their home.
giving hope to those who are almost sure
there will be no light tomorrow.
comfort to those scared of the dark
and i do admit i fear what lurks there
beyond the trees, in shadows and things,
people i can't trust, people i can't see,
ready to pounce at the slightest misstep
guide me home, moonlight, and help me breathe
easily again because paranoia sets in
and sometimes i fear i'm as crazy as them.
but i think i'm only nervous because
i recognize how easy it is to become lost
in this world
to this world
out of this world.
and what i have is much too precious
to jeopardize a minute with carelessness
when i said let's live like this forever
i meant it.
i can only be careless when i'm with you.
because only you can give me light
in the middle of the darkest hour.
the moon was half full the night that you left.
so was i.