nothing but

01/29/2009

it's nothing but the softest voice
trailing into your mind
like the sweetest aroma
floating on a breeze
i'm sure it tastes lovely
but i can't very well reach it.
it's a wisp of something
could've been something big
i'm sure that we could've.
it's nothing but a paint brush
broken mid stroke
by something that startled
the focused artist.
it could've been a masterpiece
but anything could've been
and that, my dear,
is nothing to think much of.
nothing but sand sliding through palms
sand that could've created
the most intricate castle seen
sand that could've cushioned
two lovers one late summer night.
could've, would've, should've.
it still will, don't you see.
it still can.
you needn't complicate everything
calculating averages
weighing out failures
a beautiful accomplishment
it will never satisfy you.
and that is what i find most sad
you're the most sad of all.
if i'm never living as rich
if i'm never living as well
at least i'm living.
what a sickening sight
to see someone corrupted
before they're even legal.
you are too stubborn to be saved
it is a relief to be freed
from shackles that got you nowhere
and kept me from going anywhere.
i would pray for you
if either of us believed in something greater
i, in something greater than we know,
you, in something greater than yourself.
this desire to be so mature stunts you
you're a baby
playing dress up
and those clothes will never fit you.
it makes me weep
to think that i tried so hard
on something so immoveable
it makes me weep
to think there is something so immoveable.
so you think in should've
and i will think in will.
you think in could've
and i think in can.
the scariest thing of all
is i'm sure you would've broken me
in no time.

january is no excuse.

1/23/2009

don't be so cold just cuz it's january
the break in your image is really quite scary
are you really as amazing as you like to say
we can sit and drink wine in the cold
while you make me feel two years old
the wine is sweeter than you ever were anyway
now the wine we have is rather bitter
but it works doesn't it, and i'm no quitter
it's all about what you think you owe yourself
your position is that of one trying too hard
you took a lovely girl and you left her marred
you seem to forget what you owe someone else
the snow is deep but you make me walk first
you act relaxed, but your lips remain pursed
they were never that soft and never that sweet
you used to say lovely things about mine
when you still cared, it's been a long time
and you still stand proud like you can't be beat
i used to have to ask if i could kiss you
did you hold back like it'd make me miss you
it only left me feeling unwanted and so alone
sandpaper was more tender than your words
you said harsh things quiet but you know i heard
you never sounded happy when on the phone.
my hands are only cold cuz you stole my mittens
you were never warm even when you were smitten
my fingers lose circulation, and i will miss them.
i grew tired of you saying that you never got sick
your immunity wore on me rather quick
it was thrilling to see a cold bring down your system.
you'd patronize me in ways i'll never need
quoting all those books that you'll never read
you'll find i'm happiest when between two pages.
and when you'd mess up a quote i'd smile
because inflated marks won't help your trial
we know i'm smarter, just act for those stages.
i don't need money where i'll end up anyhow
i'm an eligible candidate by all standards now
is it sad that people fall a little harder for me than you?
you'll find i've learned not to overexert
thank you for teaching me how to hurt
when you're finally ready to talk, i doubt you'll talk true
maybe a handsome man from the STU campus
will take me far away and quote the romantics
and we'll live where it's warm and pleasant all of the year
maybe a man who knows all that makes me weak
won't use it against me, but just let me softly speak
i know the idea must shock you, but it happens dear.
the saddest part of all is that through this season
i lead the way through blizzards, with you as the reason
i never realized i wasn't following you the whole way.
so when you finally left me standing knee deep in snow
it stung worse than the cold, but its comforting to know
i was alone this whole time, so i can't lead myself astray.
perhaps i'll see you on the other side of the spring
you can let me know if this taught you anything
don't fake your concern, i'll thaw out in a month's time.
i was never bad to you, and i've got plenty to give
i will feel things again, yes don't worry, i'll live
all i need is a hand to hold and a bottle of wine.

fallen from the sky

1/22/2009

i want an accent as thick as the sea
and i want him to wash over me
i want eyes that cloud over less
so please meet me in the wilderness
i want someone that cradles me
without getting so choppy
the waves can be gentle, rest easy
show me what i need to see
i want green pastures, better days
pleasant weather around always
a piece of land no one's been before
show me it was meant for me and no more
be fresh and sweet, be my creek
the top, the mountain, i need to peak
and when i tumble through the grass
patches of clovers slow me down fast
i want something pure and new
i want to create something in you
natural, never fading, sometimes scary
unrealistic won't be in our vocabulary
when i sleep, whisper in my ear
the sweetest thing i'll never hear
dream with me things you don't believe
and i'll lay hanging off your sleeve
show me something i don't already know
so i can't be scared of where it will go
i'll breath air from every corner of the earth
all the oceans can't quench my thirst
there's no need to stop or to slow down
i can see others caving in all around
i have forgotten all reasons why
i want to feel like i'm falling from the sky

the police are stuck in my head.

1/18/2009

i've never felt so alone in my life.

there's all these people coming after me, and suddenly i'm able to do all these things, and i should feel free and i should feel excited, and all i feel is scared.
and i'd like to make myself feel better, but nearly every way i thought i could do that would be letting someone down. and i am so tired of being a letdown.
i don't think people realize that i am legitimately just not that big a deal. i'm not letting you down because i'm acting foolish, i'm letting you down because i'm being myself and even with my whole and complete heart into something, it isn't good enough.
i want to go to western and restart everything but i'm too big a baby. i can't be too far away from these people, even though i'm going to just disappoint them anyway.
i am chained to my own inescapable failure.
i know i'm not ugly, i know i'm not fat, i know i'm not stupid, i know i'm not a lot of the negative things i feel sometime. but everytime i feel happy with myself, someone is the exact opposite with me.
i feel things and i go with it. i want to kiss someone, and that's wrong. i want to go crazy, and that's wrong. i want to say stop, but that's wrong. i want to actually drink and drink and drink, but i don't think i can find anyone who really likes me enough right now to do it with me. and if they knew why i wanted to get so drunk, they wouldn't want me to anyways.
you were right, i am a carwreck.
an empty carwreck.
a car that didn't have the emergency brake on and just went backwards, out of the driveway and into the ditch across the street.
a destructive waste of money brought on by pure carelessness.
if you want to be close to me at all, wear your fucking seatbelt.
i'm appalling.


stop laying claim on my skin
calling it your porcelain
porcelain dolls will break apart
and i belong in pieces
pass them out to all my friends
past lovers and family
teachers and authors and songs
that made me feel things
take my bones and fashion them
into something worthwhile
make my ribs a xylophone
and play them for young children
take every piece of my mouth
to make someone smile
it was never a smile worth much
when hanging off this face
pick me out from the ditch
and turn off the ignition
it takes two people to make an accident
and i have millions within me
a beautiful mind and a beautiful kind
of destruction taking place
mushroom cloud irises
and horrific heartbeats as aftershock
if this was a holocaust
it's been very poorly cast
unless i am watching the boat go
with all the worthwhile people
and being warm despite the cold water
because the dock is burning
lips are dry from dust, it's okay
they would've been overused anyways
shoot the spotlight and let it fall
it was going to crush you anyhow
so work until you can't anymore
laugh until everyone knows it's fake
this is a step in the right direction
after embodying the wrong path
you cheap diluted version of you
you'll get along with the others better.
feel things but don't follow them
yes, something's gonna change your world
there's no need to fear what you feel now
just let the fucking dock burn.

time awaits

1/12/2009

burnt words and broken cliches
i say go, and come what may
take your first steps in reverse
salt to quench your thirst
nothing felt and nothing gained
sweet relief returns again
the bliss of learning nothing new
cracking mirrors to not see you
revert back to good old days
we'd all hoped it was just a phase
nothing escapes your pastel dreams
she's never as nice as she seems
never as bright or full of sun
never as good as anyone
i'll pretend and you make believe
i say stay and it's time to leave
don't forget your shoes at the door
feel that stinging feeling once more
take your time, break your wrist
the watch falls from your fingertips
the minutes run into your veins
falling upwards, mirror rain
go backwards until you reach
the moment where she tried to teach
you what you had to find within
feel the hours beneath your skin
make a choice and if it's wrong
bandage your wrist, feel strong
sunsets rise and sleep in her
so bask in it and cause a stir
she's only scared of when and where
who and why don't merit a care
so turn the hour glass one more time
hold your wrist, repeat a rhyme
there's never an opportunity missed
always lips that could still be kissed
give in and hold your breath until
his rocks bounce off your window sill
an answer isn't required just yet
let him hold your wrist, and don't forget.

oh the jazz age.

my love for mr. fitzgerald and mr. gatsby has escalated yet again and i find myself talking like daisy buchanan, god forbid. or just another rich girl in the jazz age, which i'm strongly starting to believe i was in a past life.
i watched the gatsby movie, it just finished moments ago, and to see that beautiful story played out in front of me with faces i'd envisioned almost perfectly, it was amazing. it's strange to love a story so much that you're moved by any aspect of it, just seeing it move around it front of you like you'd always imagined it.
i want to go to parties where they are tents and big bands playing around a huge fountain which lays in the backyard of the most gargantuan house, the most beautiful lavish house. i want to wear sparkling gowns and have my hair curled and wave feathered fans and drink illegal liquor. now as i'm only 18 in this day and age, all liquor i drink is illegal, at least in new brunswick, but i mean prohibition illegal. i want to be there, kicking my legs wildly as i dance, and celebrating a war that is over, and speaking eloquently, while bright white curtains hung off all my open windows.
i want to live glamorously, have someone love me for years and never forget about me. be able to forgive someone who did forget about me because there is still a love so strong between us, i just want to live in this era, in these stories, with smudged eyeliner and frail bodies draped in pearls. i want to be swept off my feet and i want to drive giant yellow cars and vacation on the french riviera.
i want someone to love me so strongly, as strongly as i feel for once. so strongly that it's okay to get married when you're 18 because it's this dramatic non fading love, this beautiful ever lasting thing. and it's not like today where people assume you're pregnant or throwing your life away, because they lived lives so full of everything that they could just be in love and appreciate everything they experienced with each other.
sometimes i think i'm zelda fitzgerald. crazy as can be, full of passion, enough of both to drive someone who loved her completely out of their mind. i can do that, that's for sure. i wish i could inspire art. but i'd have to be much more horrid and ruin a beautiful man for the sake of a story.
but for what the story's done to just me alone, it's quite spectacular. i wonder if mr. fitzgerald would see it as being worth all the hassle, just to inspire someone so much, to make someone desire something so big and beautiful and hopeful. to want to reembody gatsby's unmistakable hope. and nicole diver's never ceasing passion and love.
it's all an old fashioned idea i suppose.

stuffed animal kingdom.

01/07/2009

beautiful like a stained glass window
the first time you walked into church
when the thought of god still scared you
and the ceilings left you in awe.
when you wore dresses on sundays
and as much as you could in the week
and you would pretend to be a princess
with a stuffed animal kingdom
beautiful like the innocence of a bath
a blank slate of a body in bubbles
not recognizing or knowing the purpose
of anything within you.
laughing at faces that seem uncontrolled
holding hands eagerly, no lack of trust
the openness, eagerness, happiness
the beauty of something so pure.
to dedicate a whole day on the seaside
an architectural wonder of buckets and shovels
making the castle you'll someday live inside
not caring or knowing what the waves wash away
the fear of doing something wrong
and being punished by sitting alone
the omniscience of parents couldn't be broken
they could protect you from anything
the delight in a dessert of any kind
rather than guilt or shame following it
the feeling of being messy and dirty
and never having been more proud.
falling asleep with an early bedtime
and a bed time story that always starred you
the dreams that opened wide from it
the perfection of a young imagination
beautiful like the little girl still inside you
if only you should give in and just hope
as you sit in your princess costume
ruling over a stuffed animal kingdom.