now what.

10/25/2010

i can't live on a schedule where you forget about me one week
i wait for it to get better the next week
i get frustrated and ask for more the week after
and then a good week.
and then three bad weeks.
and being forgotten.
i can't live on a two hours a week.
i can't live on broken promises and refusing to try.
it's one thing if you're tired of me and want to break up with me
it's another to make me tired of you.
it's another to make me resentful.
you can destroy yourself
though i'd never want you to
you can destroy us being together
though i'd never want you to.
but making me resentful
making me tempted by other people
making me consider breaking up with you
making me embarrassed at how weak i am that i could never do it
making me think about what it'd be like without you
and repeating this to me over and over again
until without you doesn't seem so terrible anymore.
until i want you to cheat on me
so that i can cheat back
and then maybe you'll feel sorry enough
that you'll want me back and never treat me like this again.
you can destroy everything you want
but why would you destroy this love i have for you
it hurts me so much that i almost wrote had.
i had the most profound, incredible, unforgettable love for you
you were all i thought about
you were all i did things for
you were all.
to have that be falling apart.
to have be thinking about it this much.
you make me hate myself.
like i'm a whore. like i'm despicable.
like this relationship meant nothing to me.
when we all know it meant everything.
you meant everything.
why can't you stop hurting me
and make this right again.
i don't want this to be unfixable.
i want your love
i want our love
i want my love
i want them to survive.
and i don't know if they will.
because i mean this little to you.

growing resentful

10/19/2010

gatsby's light blinked green to black,
yours blinks green to gray.
i can only reach out to you online
but when i talk, you seldom stay.

gatsby lost daisy to her pride
head too big for golden curls
she was not to be bound by love
but wrapped in strands of pearls.

you will be wrapped in boys' arms
and showered in borrowed beer.
see, money is not an object for you,
until you look to me, sincere.

sincerity is what daisy lacked,
she denied her feelings true.
if you keep denying me, do you
doubt what will happen to you?

jordan was a boyish girl,
daisy listened to her every word.
you and all your girly boys
make it hard for me to be heard.

gatsby gave dear daisy space
as he became the best he could.
i study, run and primp myself,
but it appears to do no good.

to keep that space and keep that love
is certainly no strong feat,
and who knows if i still turn you on?
at least my memory of you is sweet.

nick was naive and often lost,
but he tried to make things right.
he did what he could for gatsby,
but daisy extinguished his light.

i hold true to what i once knew,
and perhaps i'm just as naive,
but this sweet and perfect love i had
is all that i'll believe.

their story is lost in booze and jazz,
depression, lust and dread.
gatsby loved his daisy so
and gatsby ends up dead.