now what.

10/25/2010

i can't live on a schedule where you forget about me one week
i wait for it to get better the next week
i get frustrated and ask for more the week after
and then a good week.
and then three bad weeks.
and being forgotten.
i can't live on a two hours a week.
i can't live on broken promises and refusing to try.
it's one thing if you're tired of me and want to break up with me
it's another to make me tired of you.
it's another to make me resentful.
you can destroy yourself
though i'd never want you to
you can destroy us being together
though i'd never want you to.
but making me resentful
making me tempted by other people
making me consider breaking up with you
making me embarrassed at how weak i am that i could never do it
making me think about what it'd be like without you
and repeating this to me over and over again
until without you doesn't seem so terrible anymore.
until i want you to cheat on me
so that i can cheat back
and then maybe you'll feel sorry enough
that you'll want me back and never treat me like this again.
you can destroy everything you want
but why would you destroy this love i have for you
it hurts me so much that i almost wrote had.
i had the most profound, incredible, unforgettable love for you
you were all i thought about
you were all i did things for
you were all.
to have that be falling apart.
to have be thinking about it this much.
you make me hate myself.
like i'm a whore. like i'm despicable.
like this relationship meant nothing to me.
when we all know it meant everything.
you meant everything.
why can't you stop hurting me
and make this right again.
i don't want this to be unfixable.
i want your love
i want our love
i want my love
i want them to survive.
and i don't know if they will.
because i mean this little to you.