the police are stuck in my head.

1/18/2009

i've never felt so alone in my life.

there's all these people coming after me, and suddenly i'm able to do all these things, and i should feel free and i should feel excited, and all i feel is scared.
and i'd like to make myself feel better, but nearly every way i thought i could do that would be letting someone down. and i am so tired of being a letdown.
i don't think people realize that i am legitimately just not that big a deal. i'm not letting you down because i'm acting foolish, i'm letting you down because i'm being myself and even with my whole and complete heart into something, it isn't good enough.
i want to go to western and restart everything but i'm too big a baby. i can't be too far away from these people, even though i'm going to just disappoint them anyway.
i am chained to my own inescapable failure.
i know i'm not ugly, i know i'm not fat, i know i'm not stupid, i know i'm not a lot of the negative things i feel sometime. but everytime i feel happy with myself, someone is the exact opposite with me.
i feel things and i go with it. i want to kiss someone, and that's wrong. i want to go crazy, and that's wrong. i want to say stop, but that's wrong. i want to actually drink and drink and drink, but i don't think i can find anyone who really likes me enough right now to do it with me. and if they knew why i wanted to get so drunk, they wouldn't want me to anyways.
you were right, i am a carwreck.
an empty carwreck.
a car that didn't have the emergency brake on and just went backwards, out of the driveway and into the ditch across the street.
a destructive waste of money brought on by pure carelessness.
if you want to be close to me at all, wear your fucking seatbelt.
i'm appalling.


stop laying claim on my skin
calling it your porcelain
porcelain dolls will break apart
and i belong in pieces
pass them out to all my friends
past lovers and family
teachers and authors and songs
that made me feel things
take my bones and fashion them
into something worthwhile
make my ribs a xylophone
and play them for young children
take every piece of my mouth
to make someone smile
it was never a smile worth much
when hanging off this face
pick me out from the ditch
and turn off the ignition
it takes two people to make an accident
and i have millions within me
a beautiful mind and a beautiful kind
of destruction taking place
mushroom cloud irises
and horrific heartbeats as aftershock
if this was a holocaust
it's been very poorly cast
unless i am watching the boat go
with all the worthwhile people
and being warm despite the cold water
because the dock is burning
lips are dry from dust, it's okay
they would've been overused anyways
shoot the spotlight and let it fall
it was going to crush you anyhow
so work until you can't anymore
laugh until everyone knows it's fake
this is a step in the right direction
after embodying the wrong path
you cheap diluted version of you
you'll get along with the others better.
feel things but don't follow them
yes, something's gonna change your world
there's no need to fear what you feel now
just let the fucking dock burn.