to fall

02/16/2009

falling for someone is so goddamn cliche. it's actually embarrassing.
as i am an expert in hypocrisy, of course, i am going to explore this cliche further.
it's always frightening, there's always one moment where you realize you're at risk to lose that one thing, and you panic. that panic is something you should probably get used to. you'll be feeling watered down and dialed up versions of that for awhile after, should the thing work out. it is hard to stifle that feeling of "am i going to lose this person". you turn on yourself, and begin measuring out all that you do that could influence them to just take off. you can quite possibly become a wreck. it's very easy to do.
amidst the wreckage, it's a very beautiful feeling.
it's like when you're half asleep and dreaming that you're walking and you trip. your feet kick forward, trying to catch your balance and you wake up with your heart beating a little faster and realize you're in bed.
it's that terrifying few seconds where you're probably about to eat pavement. it's your body and mind rushing forward to try and protect you and keep you safe. it's your heart racing because you're scared, so so scared, and then you realize that there's nothing to be scared of. and that at least your heart is beating. really, you're ending up somewhere as safe and comforting as you could hope for.
it's all that you could hope for when you fall for someone, that even after the fear, the defense mechanisms, and the catching of your breath, that they'll still be able to keep you warm.
so stop imagining scenarios where you'll lose them, and stop second guessing everything you do.
just fall back asleep.