weightless

03/08/2009

there was a lot less left of me when you left.
i poured everything i had into what we could be, and i did everything possible to be perfect.
and i wasn't enough for you.
i didn't fit into your schedule and i didn't even make it to the top five as far as your priorities were concerned.
and there was a time when you tried. when i meant a whole lot to you, and i was still nervous about all this, and you were proving to me that you were worth taking a chance on.
there isn't much in this world that isn't worth taking a chance on. whether it turns out the way you wanted to or not.
i don't think you ever once defended me. i don't think you were proud enough to consider me worthy of defense.
i was something that came along when you had time for it. something that relieved your stress for awhile and then left. and i was willing to do it. because i cared for you.
i got physically sick worrying about you. i couldn't eat when you were at your worst because i was so full of anxiety that i couldn't stomach anything else. and i never told you that, because the last thing i wanted to do was make you feel guilty or stress you out more.
you could've used that sometimes though. you really did need me to tell you that you were being awful sometimes. before it got to the point that i was so walked over, and so last priority, that i didn't know what, if anything, i was worth.
i'd told you things i'd never told other people before because i wanted you to know me completely.
and it makes sense that i would be left insecure by all this. because when you try and give yourself completely to someone, and you still aren't worth it to them, it's hard to believe you ever will be.
and the true romantic at heart inside of me is still recovering. you pretty much sent her into intensive care, she wasn't doing too well for a long time. i was aching for my hope in people to be renewed. i didn't know how much i trusted anyone.
do you have any idea how it feels to be with someone that makes you feel like you're everything to them, and that they would do anything for you? well, of course you do. but i've never known this before.

you. the new feeling, the renewal.
the patience, you're taking your time with me, you know how terrified and insecure i am. you're relieving it more and more every day by being so perfect.
and i know this cynical horrible person standing in for the true romantic while she's on sick leave has been in control of me for far too long. because i feel this, and i'm not going to let fear or doubts or some dreadful past experience interrupt this.
you greet me everytime you see me with genuine happiness and excitement. you pick me up and spin me and i've never felt for a second that you would lose your grip. that weightless feeling stays with me so much longer than you know.
weightless is the perfect word for it, because i'm through being pulled down by gravity and all these heavy things, all these things desperate to keep both my feet planted on the ground.
you had me swept off my feet before they even had a chance.
and i could cry because it's this relief, this perfect answer to my questioning the goodness inside of people. it's you.
i can believe in things again, i can give in to how i feel, i can fall in love again and this time, i won't be worried about how you think of my past or how you think i look without make up or anything idiotic like that.
i can be sick and pasty and wearing a t-shirt a good 7 sizes too big for me. and everytime you see me, it's like that greeting again, that same excitement just to be near, that weightless feeling.
and if i'm scared, it's okay. you get through the fear because it's hard, and nothing worth having comes easy.
you didn't come easy sweetheart. i got emotionally destroyed so many times for having faith in people, and you are fantastic at showing me it was all worth it.
you've been devoted to me since our first real talk. and i believe that you'll stay that way.
it's beautiful to feel again.


Listen To: Regina Spektor - Fidelity