first.

03/12/2009

I remember the first time I fell in love.
And don't judge me on how I interpret love, because as much as I'd like to blow off any 15 year old claiming they're head over heels and all this, I was 15. And I was in a town that made kids grow up a lot faster than they should've, and I don't mean grow up as in mature. I mean grow up as in they crave more, they feel they deserve more, their views on the world get bitter too soon, and they're too desperate to feel things that are different and more adult.
But the first person I fell in love with.
He was a person I struck an instant friendship with, but we met through this weird church youth thing that was always a total whorehouse by the end of the weekend, so the sexual tension started off pretty high. We connected though, he lived hours away, we talked a lot online and it was just a really comfortable feeling.
He was someone I'd talk to my friends about, just in passing, about funny things he'd said, or a song he'd told me about. And I remember, he would say things that I would interpret as sweet, and whether or not I'd see them that way now is a total toss-up, but I heard them and I loved it. I vividly remember, and this is the most pre adolescent sounding revelation possible, but I copied and pasted one of those sweet things to my friend. She laughed and did one of those off-handed, "You're in love with him."
I remember sitting in the middle of my wood panel basement, in the computer chair, just frozen. Absolutely shell shocked. And I cried. All of a sudden, my body was frozen but I was crying, just non-stop. And I told my friend, "I am. You're right, I am." And I cried for a long time.
And I've fallen in love since then. And it had never felt like that.
I remember the first one I said I love you to was a total lie. I was just in one of those frenzies to be serious.
And then another time, he'd said it to me two days into our relationship and I'd talked it down, saying I didn't think he really knew what he meant. And then I ended up saying it weeks later when I was drunk.
And, someone told me once, and I burst into tears. And shook my head a lot. And basically had the worst reaction possible. Then later that night, caved. I don't think 40 minutes could've made that much of a difference in my mind, but I was under the impression that it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
As such, none of these times ever felt real. It was never this genuine overcoming of emotion, and realization. There was never a stand out moment when I was dumbfounded, realizing "I love this person."
Though to be fair, once I did love them, they all massacred me. So perhaps that was asked for.
The night you first told me you thought you loved me, I was yelling at you. It was almost all over in that one night, and then as soon as you stopped talking the same way, I realized I couldn't handle it.
I probably should've known.
But you have told me you loved me many times, and you've never made me feel pressured to say it back, just to catch up with you or anything.
There were times when I felt myself coming close to saying something, and then I felt like it was another situation where I was just saying it because I would feel obligated or something. So I didn't say anything. Or I'd kiss you.
I think I scared myself out of saying anything, or even acknowledging feeling anything, many times.
And then all of a sudden, I was talking to your family, and your friends, and all these people had heard about me. And I was falling over snowbanks and you were gripping onto me to make sure I didn't fall.
And then there's this huge chaotic scene around us, and there's loud music and lots of lights, and everyone's drunk but us, but it's okay.
And you kiss me, and watch me wave to my friends a section away, and we both pretend to not hear each other sing along, as that would probably permanently damage our feelings for each other.
And then I was looking at you, and I wasn't denying it anymore. I wasn't forcing my mind to stop, and to think about something else. I was looking at you and it was there.
It was just a long time of not knowing what to say. Actually, I knew exactly what to say, but it was a lot of my mouth opening and nothing happening.
We were walking home, and you were carrying me over all the really big puddles. And I was really cold and you were holding my hands.
Then we were in my house, and you were leaving in minutes and kissing me, and telling me you loved me and my mouth worked.
I said the same thing you said when you first let the words out. I tried to restrict it by saying I think.
It didn't work.
And then it was there, I was crying, just crying a lot, and telling you how scared I was, and you were a frenzy, you were wiping tears off and saying you'd never hurt me. And you looked so happy, and everything felt so good.
And I couldn't stop crying, but I kept saying it. I kept saying it until it wasn't scary to say it anymore.
It was that emotional awestruck feeling, and it felt like it was the very first time I'd ever fallen in love.
It's like the same feeling, but completely new. And there's this beautiful happiness just guaranteed with it, along with the fear and the vulnerability of the first time. The happiness comes with knowing that I can be vulnerable with you.
I've always wanted to fall in love for the first time.