i am zelda fitzgerald.

12/25/2008

how do you overcome it
this sick, twisted feeling that lingers in your gut and manipulates itself into a thousand different emotions
i feel it when i'm jealous, when i'm angry, when i'm insecure, when i'm depressed, it's not fair that it can manifest itself into such common feelings
and i know it's a way of showing me these shouldn't be such common feelings, but how do you get past all that
i've had revelation after revelation and it always seems to come back, like this cloud front coming back and hiding the first sunny day in ages
it's that shadow, that feeling that you're standing in front of a very tall building, and instead of enjoying the view, you're calculating how fast you'd have to run and in which direction to escape it if it collapsed
i do that too, i do. i do the same thing every time i go over a bridge.
that shadow, i bet you that's how people feel battling depression, they have their good days and then it's just heartbreaking, feeling that sadness overtake them again. you forget it was ever there until the low point comes again.
and i'm not a weak person, i'm really not that bad, i just hate that no matter how good i'm doing, this little bubble can pop so easily, with not finding clothes that fit nicely or saying something stupid in front of people.
this feeling that, even though i know i'm accepted and loved by people, i'm still walking on a tightrope, terrified to fuck up around them or what i have with them.
it's this crippling self doubt, this numbing feeling that i'm never going to be good enough for the people i love the most. and i love them so much.
i'm mindnumbingly in love, and so scared that i might not be enough. it's a ridiculous feeling.
so, internet world, this is how i feel, on christmas of all days. if you ever had the suspicion that i was some secret manic depressive, posting this on christmas certainly couldn't help you think otherwise.
maybe it's the fact that christmas seems lame, because i'm not a kid anymore.
maybe it's the fact that i'm not a kid anymore.
but i think, it's just being afraid.
i read a beautiful fitzgerald short story today, many in fact. but in one, the girl said that she was not afraid. that fear was either for the very bravest, or for the cowards, and that she was neither.
f scott fitzgerald has changed my life many times, and i suspect before my book of his short stories is finished, i will have more to add.
and maybe all it will take will be another beautiful quote from mr. fitzgerald to get past this stupid self doubt that i'm sure doesn't just follow me around.
this is why i wrote this, because allowing negative emotions like fear and depression control you is just giving them more power to destroy you, and all the beautiful things you contain, and i don't think it would be cocky of me to say i still have plenty of beautiful things somewhere in me.
i hope to share them with all the people i fear i'm not good enough for.
i love you. merry christmas.

“Think how you love me. I don’t ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside me there’ll always be the person I am tonight.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is The Night
Interestingly enough, this character was a beautiful, lovetorn woman with a ridiculous mental disorder. Goodness.